Is it possible I haven't written an entry in three years? I couldn't begin to update without creating a whole new blog entitled "the good years." But that's where I am right now.  In a few weeks I will be nine years out from my devastating overnight hearing loss. But time moves quickly and the human spirit is incredibly resilient no matter what anyone says.

I am remarried to the most amazing man I've ever known. I am blessed with a third child & my other two grow & continue to bless me daily.

I still by God's grace alone teach music despite my hearing loss. The really sad years & painful times have led me to exactly where I am at today. I like today a lot.

I am going to add entries now about being a mom & cooking & maybe some insights & recipes too. -liz

Wyoming, Montana, Wyoming

Submitted by: Liz

We got up and headed to Devil's Tower. It was simply put, amazing. The pictures don't do it justice and my words can't either. The weather was gorgeous. It is this natural wonder really.. and the first national monument. My favorite part was the fields of prairie dogs. They make these giant holes and pop up and down like the game "whack a mole." Then they stand up like meerkats. I could have watched them for a lot longer then our schedule allowed. The rock itself is immense and dad kept mentioning how he thought it was used in close encounters of the third kind.. maybe?

Then we headed towards Cody, Wyoming. This was pretty adventurous because we first ended up in Montana headed straight for Billings.. at this point Mimi tried to pee a la squatting by the van for her first time.. she got a little bladder shy and it was comical really. We got headed in the right direction, which took us through Big Horn Forest and Mountains. The elevation reached 8,500 feet and there was snow at the top. We saw antelope, deer and to my delight.. Two Moose. I have read enough to know that Moose are large and unpredictable so we didn't stay long to photo shoot the moose when we saw he had contempt in his eyes...

The trek down the mountain was an 18 mile decline. We couldn't venture more than 20 mph so it took a long, long time and our brakes smelled bothered by the bottom.

The drive from there to Cody was beautiful. It is all so beautiful and enough to make me feel so small.

The kids were great and Randy behaved himself today too. =) We have had lots of laughter, and I think even the littlest traveler realizes this opportunity to all be together on this trip is a once in a lifetime adventure.

Tomorrow we will be heading towards yellowstone and the hundred year old cabin in the wilderness. Needless to say we won't be updating for several days.. so never fear! I am sure our pictures and tales in a few days will impress.

catch up with me

I cannot believe how all of the details of my life have unfolded... Here is the outline to get you up-to-date
1997 graduate from college
1997/98 First year at Claymont as a vocal music ed. teacher, although I am really an instrumentalist who had a passion for elementary general music
1998 married college sweetheart
1999 bought first house
2002 Addison was born
2003 bought dream home
2004 July, woke up deaf, unexplained
2004/05 almost lost job--who wants to deal with a deaf music teacher who wants accommodations?
2005 May won teacher of the year, bad administration settled down
2005 fall-on TV show three wishes
2006 July Mimi was born
2006 New year's day...hearing dipped again leaving my world reeling...
The rest about the implants...well you know that because I chronicled it here in the 50 odd posts

2008 fall-marriage started to fall apart
2009 summer-marriage was unsavable
2009 fall started picking up the pieces again
2010 still picking up the pieces but doing OK now

I think when a tragic event occurs you never "get over it." I will never "be over the fact that I lost my hearing suddenly and unexplained in my sleep." Who would be? But I am OK with it, and have been for a long time. The loss, the grief, all of that is what has been woven into the fabric of my life.

Just as the latest sad chapter in my life. No, I am not OK with the fact that I am now a single mother. I am a good Christian girl, and these things aren't supposed to happen to good girls, especially those who have been through so much already. But, you either get with the program and stay afloat until you can paddle your way back to shore, or you drown.

When I was younger, fresh from college... everything seemed possible. I was smart, in love... there were no shattered dreams yet. No tragic events. I think this is what the apostle Paul means when he says... this is what leads to mature faith, faith is putting it all in God's hands (note this isn't an attempt to directly quote him, just the gist of what he means). I have come to realize that only through my faith are all things possible. I change, events happen, people let you down and I can't imagine ever feeling fulfilled if I didn't have that rock on which to stand.

It sounds like I am this over comer with a great attitude. I think for the most part, that may be true... but my close friends will tell you that it hasn't been until recently that I am finding my way back...

So I am OK. Some days not, but those not OK days are becoming fewer and farther between.

As far as my hearing... wow! As weinie-ish as this may sound, I am still learning new things about my hearing. I will hear something and then realize what I am hearing and can't believe it. My implants are a miracle and more so, the way I hear with them, and the life I lead... it should not be possible!! How is it that a woman who once laid in her bed sobbing, having given up on the idea that she could continue to teach music because she was struck deaf... continue to teach because she has two computer chips implants in her skull and is being given sound through a series of electrical impulses to stimulate the auditory nerve. I mean really... I couldn't make this stuff up if I were a Hollywood screenplay writer. Then let's go ahead and twist the story, just when the girl is on her feet again... let's knock both legs out from under her.

So, that is the update... I can't even imagine what is next in the timeline...

blink of an eye

Five years.
In several weeks it will be five years since that fateful day when I awoke to my life-changing hearing loss.
Five years.
Since that time, my whole world has changed. Can you imagine going to bed a healthy normal hearing person and waking up the following morning with bilateral hearing loss...near profound? Can you imagine being a music teacher to boot?
I really wanted to give up many times. Sometimes I think, how did I make it?? How did I continue to work? How do you go forward and not hang onto the bitterness that threatens to take hold?
Since that morning, so much has happened in my life. I have been through a lot. Too much I think sometimes. But I see my life now and I realize that as much as someone that survives an illness they shouldn't survive, walks away from a car crash that should have taken their life, I am here doing the unthinkable (teaching music as a deaf person) ... it must be in the plans somewhere.
Long story short... Five years later... I now have two cochlear implants. I am a bionic woman for sure! I am still teaching music. I get to occasionally work for the company that produces my implants, I am a mentor for those considering implants for themselves. I have two healthy children. I go to church every Sunday.
Not too long ago I played my flute publicly--the first time really since the hearing loss. It was the music prior to the baccalaureate service for graduates at the school district where I work. I was a little nervous, but once I let go of that fear and played. Oh, it felt so great!!
Last week I had the opportunity to speak for the state auditors convention. Tomorrow morning I fly back to Los Angeles to do a little bit of work for Advanced Bionics.
I guess if the sky were the limit... what would I do next?
Well... I still feel that nagging to write a book. My story is unique. I still hope to have more opportunities to talk about my story, whether it is individually through the people I mentor or for groups.
Now I don't spend a lot of time looking back. I stay busy. I focus on what is in front of me. I also don't look too far ahead. One thing is for sure... we never now what tomorrow may bring. I learned that things can literally change overnight, and the plans we work so diligently at... those can be disrupted in the blink of an eye.

some updates

Last week I was singing happy birthday to my left implant. My surgery on my second implant was a year ago on Addison's birthday. My activation anniversary isn't until the 21st of this month.

You know it is hard to express how much my implants have changed my life. Sometimes I am hearing so well that when I am frustrated with something I need to remind myself of the obstacles I face daily. Some days I will hear something and say... Wow..I heard that for myself!
And the longer the time between the initial hearing loss and each new day, the pain really gets better. The way I am hearing now is my "new normal"and that yardstick to which I used to compare everything to, that strong auditory memory...has diminished. I used to just be sick to my stomach at times listening to my choir and remembering how it should sound in comparison to the feedback I was actually getting. It didn't just emotionally hurt, I could get pangs in my chest longing to hear "normally." I didn't think that would ever go away, but it has gotten to the point that I may be aware of it on some level but I am focusing now on the information I am getting, and my brain is sending signals to those memories that this is "normal." Gosh, I hope that makes sense.

I would say over the summer was a turning point for me. I cannot pinpoint the day and time but I can tell you at some point my grieving process was over. I don't find myself looking back the way I used to. I find myself looking forward. I don't feel "fragile" emotionally like I used to feel (in private...never in public). It is amazing how getting to the other side of the grieving process allows you so much more energy. Not that I went around sad, I coped well with my situation but it was always there on some level.

What is on the horizon for me? I am traveling to California for the Bionic Ear Association mentor training. I am really looking forward to it, though it will be the first time I will be flying by myself. I'm not gonna lie... I am nervous. I am afraid on my layover I am not going to hear my flight being called. But, I am excited about the opportunity to be a mentor and I think this is a good challenge for me... I want to prove to myself that I can travel alone.

Work is astounding me. I cannot believe how much I can hear and how much I am capable of. For the first time since my loss I don't feel like I have something to prove. I know I am competent and if anything my disability pushes me past the normal person's whining. I don't see myself as being limited now like I used to feel. Again, that yardstick thing... I am who I am now, not wishing to be the old me, not carrying around grief.

What I'm Thankful for

I live in a country where a black man can be voted president and a deaf girl can teach music. For those things, I am thankful!

This will probably be my shortest posting to date, but I am in a very different place this Thanksgiving than even a year ago. I am surprising myself every day. I hear so much that I appreciate this gift beyond belief.

This year has brought a lot of ups and downs for my little family emotionally and financially, but as I type this from my computer listening to the tapping of the keys in my warm home I realize I am living a miraculous life! To what the future brings I can't say, but I am grateful and despite everything my heart is warm. I give thanks.

maybe we should sweat the small stuff

I haven't updated the blog for some time because I wanted to give myself the opportunity to see what differences this year would bring.
I can say with confidence that I am hearing better than I have in four years. I knew that I was hearing significantly better over the summer. My confidence has been building in so many small ways (they say not to sweat the small stuff, but the small things can also mean everything can't they?) And this week I have astounded myself.
What I am hearing musically is so significantly different than with just one implant and not even comparable to severe hearing loss with hearing aids. Sometimes as I am writing and trying to convey my feelings I realize that some of the readers out there may feel sorry for me, and I am past that stuff now... so take what I say with the the insight into my heart that it is intended with. I just want you to understand as best as I can put into words what I am hearing and for me, this journey is and will always be an emotional one.
People want to know how I have taught music through the difficult hearing times and I can tell you that there three reasons I have been able to do what I have done 1) Determination 2) God 3) Instincts.
The first year was sheer determination. I didn't want to give up teaching, couldn't and wouldn't. Put those feelings in the heart of a stubborn woman and it is a wicked combinations of guts and fearlessness. The second year, I felt I had to prove I was worth all of the fuss. For those who stuck up for me through the difficult times and because I needed to know I could. The the third year into hearing loss is when the hearing dipped again. This time I looked into the implants and thus we get to the blog.
Sometimes I can't explain it all... it was God.
But through the last three years I have relied heavily on instincts... when did I anticipate the kids would make musical mistakes, when did stuff feel like it wasn't "right" musically, looking at their reaction, truly lots and lots of good gut instincts. When I had my first implant my life was changed for the better... it was all so much easier. I felt confident again and so I anticipated that second implant with joy! There is an eight month difference between the first and second... (the second activation was at the end of March)....
Last year it was the end of the school year, a busy time and there was tweaking to be done with an audiologist when the process began with my second implant. By May things were starting to sound pretty good, but the school year had come to a close. The summer was busy, but just living the daily life... I noticed positive changes in my hearing.
I was excited for the school year to start. And I'll tell you, it is hard for me to not allow myself time to feel disappointed. Sometimes I struggle in the afternoon. I am tired, I usually leave the house at 7 for a before school rehearsal or meeting. By 1:30 I am in need of about an hour break, that never comes. I have to work very hard in the afternoon to not allow myself to get frustrated when a student may have to repeat something. I am deaf. I have two implants and I still lead an extraordinary life. But I struggle sometimes. I am so hard on myself.... so I try to count my blessings not my worries put on a brave face and keep trying.
So... what am I hearing, what is so extraordinary?? I feel like each day I'm hearing new stuff! And maybe my friends at AB would concur (on a scientific level)? I am hearing very accurately musical mistakes. Several times in the last two weeks, I have stopped and said... you are singing too high here... what are you doing there? I hear the quality of soloists, and if they are pitchy and if they are flat or sharp and exactly when they go off pitch (if they were ever on). My brain is making pathways to understand once again not just the complexity of harmony... two voices at once (which was at one point inaccessible to me) I can now hear the sound the two notes make together. I hear the piano part and the choir and each individually and combined.. which is a pretty intense listening thing.. to hear each and how they work together, that is something! I feel sometimes confident and strong and vibrant... as if I am resurrecting a me I thought was gone for good. And sometimes I feel small and lonely when the afternoon becomes a struggle because my brain is tired and I've heard enough. I guess I haven't figured out how to merge the two me's yet. How can I be such a contradiction of my own self? So strong and so alone? I don't know how it all works yet.
I am still thoroughly amazed by how each implant allows me to hear such different sounds. Each side is so unique in the information that it provides me with. One so clear and thin, one so vibrant and blurry. Why is the side that allows me such vibrancy in sound, such depth the one that I struggle with speech perception and vice versa?
I feel blessed that I have been given some more opportunities to share my experience with others. I will be speaking with the OCMEA group at Muskingum college at the end of October. In December I will share my story with a CI group in Wayne/Holmes county.
My parting thoughts are... Don't underestimate the small stuff. It is often the smallest thing in our lives that give us that flicker of hope needed to carry on.