There is so much going on... where to start?
Okay, a big milestone for me. My last day of school for the year with students is tomorrow. Of course, like any teacher I am ready for summer, but unlike most teachers.... I am teaching when in theory it shouldn't be possible.
Someone close to me said a year after I lost my hearing "It is time to move on and get over your hearing loss." Wow... wouldn't that be awesome if that were possible? Put a huge physical obstacle you are stuck with for life that sometimes frustrates you to the point of crying definitely at one year out, and although now, tears don't come anymore... yep, get over it, great advice! (I hope you sense my sarcasm)....
So, making it to the end of this year... well, it was so much easier than it has been since I lost my hearing. So much, that I find myself reminding kids from time to time, I know you forget I have a significant hearing impairment, but.... it is still difficult for me with tons of noise in a room of 75 people, go figure!
I had fun this year. Not that I didn't have fun moments the last four years, but even thinking back to last year, one year ago before my implants... I am teary eyed. It was so, so difficult. I was so tired and frustrated and honestly, I felt very lonely and sometimes. I doubted my own capabilities. I hate saying that, but if I am going to put it out there, well I better be honest! I had to rely on my instincts of music and teenagers. Now, I can have honest to goodness feedback. I can hear and be critical. I never thought I'd have that again. I had resigned myself, accepted so many things I never thought I would accept.
All of my experiences have led me to some conclusions.
1) People are afraid to take risks. Doctors didn't want me to subject myself to steroids, because of the risks. Administrators four years ago assumed I would fail, because to gamble on me with my circumstance was surely a risk. A lot of people wouldn't have had the courage to even try to teach in my situation, because I was liable to fail... a risk...
2) Life isn't the deck of cards you get, it is how you play them. I am not just talking about myself. I am talking about my friend Dave who is being courageous and positive despite being at the end of his battle with a brain tumor, it is my friend Kaylah who was a student of mine who just graduated from college despite the many odds against her, it is my father-in-law who continues to work despite the tremendous medical ordeals he has faced.... it is there in all of us. I see a lot of people faced with adversity and I see two schools of thought. The person that folds when their hand is crummy and the deck seems stacked against them... and the person who plays the crummy hand well. There isn't a lot of in-between.
3) Faith is essential. I know some readers don't want to hear this one, you are probably the ones who need to hear it the most... but I truly believe I would have quietly applied for disability, sold my house and probably ended my marriage during the worst times if I hadn't answered to God first. I've seen friends give up on certain circumstances, because it is often times so much easier. I could have made a happy life for myself if I retired w/ disability, and I probably wouldn't have as many gray hairs either...
One morning, I remember it as plain as if it were yesterday. I had all but given up. It was the only day that year I didn't go to work because I was just too broken. The administration had turned on me, our finances were out of control, and I had just been told by the doctor I refer to as Dr. Personality... sorry there is nothing more I can do, we don't know why you lost your hearing... and then I found a scripture that turned it all around for me... Isaiah 40... the Eagle's Wings verse. I kept fighting because of that verse. Every single time I wanted to throw in the towel after that over the next 3 years, I had God to keep me going. What I was looking for, that peace to see me through... I found it in Him. That simple.
4) Be somebody to someone every day. There are a million reasons why I kept up the fight... Faith, health insurance (I carry it), stubbornness, not wanting to let my students down... The power in being someone to somebody is unfailing. Because I wanted to keep teaching... because I was doing it when it was tough... the kids saw that. They still see it. How many people go to their job and do it because they don't want to let anyone down? They think about the people they work with, pray for them, pray with them, smile at them, want to be a hero to them? Our world could be transformed. You can be a bus driver, waitress, salesman, nurse, manager.... if you do it because you are truly invested in what you are doing, and do it with heart... life could change for not just you, but the people around you!
5)When in doubt, just one day at a time.
6) Love your career enough you would want to do it if you were faced with a situation like mine.
7) Don't ever quit. I tell my son... Bausches aren't quitters. It sounds cheesy, but what a powerful thing to instill in a little guy. I have always lived by this. When I got 4th chair flute my sophomore year in high school. I didn't cry. I practiced. I challenged every single girl in front of me and within a month I was sitting where I wanted to be, first chair. I knew I would outlast the bad guys... (ie, insensitive and non courageous meany-head administrators) and I did. All of them.
8) Even when people are really insensitive, give bad advice, try to fire you... be nice. The wisecrack or last word my feel good at the moment, but in the end you may end up regretting it. I'd like to believe I'm usually the better person, or at least I try to be.
Well...
I have lots on my agenda the next six weeks... Addison is getting his tonsils removed, I will be flying first to Seattle to the University of Washington to do some music perception tests and then to L.A. to do some testing with beeps and sentences and a really cool opportunity to talk to their employees... finally in July I get to speak in Cleveland at a symposium w/ the three implant producers and both Cleveland hospitals. I feel blessed. I feel like... these opportunities, this is what I am geared up to do!
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Thursday, May 8, 2008
busy lizzie deep thoughts
What a busy week it has been! The week started off great with a special nod for teacher appreciation week.
I have to say, I don't feel unappreciated at all. Kids are pretty awesome at giving you that little boost when you need it the most. But, this week was especially nice because one of my students nominated me for "teachers are tops" through a local radio station. That was Monday evening, at the end of a very hectic day at school. I hadn't read his nomination letter and it made me pretty emotional knowing that my hard-work means so much to someone. It definitely got me thinking about the many miracles in my life and the heartbreak too.
That evening, when I was being honored by a terrific student, I also came face-to-face with the principal who nearly cost me my job the year I lost my hearing(two of his children had nominated their teachers). He didn't support me in my struggle to overcome the odds and keep teaching, and I came frighteningly close to losing my job. At one point, he told me "off the record" that he wasn't sure if he would want me teaching his daughter music, because she loves music and wasn't sure if I could hear well enough to give her the training she deserved. That was a crushing moment for me. It was equally as difficult when he sat in my classroom to observe me on three separate occasions (a standard no other teacher was held to, and in retrospect was a totally unfair and discriminatory practice), knowing full-well that I was still competent and passionate, and yet sat across from me in a meeting where I thought I was a goner, with the superintendent and he didn't say... I've seen her, she is still effectively teaching. He watched me sob that day; who wouldn't be able to control their emotions? and as he watched he was seemingly unnerved and uncaring.... In the end of that nightmarish year when I lost my hearing, our finances crumbled, my marriage was on the rocks, and I almost lost my job... he left to pursue other options, and I received teacher of the year. In the end, I beat the odds, and outlasted him, but sometimes... when I think back to that year... I am nearly overcome with the flood of memories... It wasn't so long ago I thought my life had completely fallen apart and I wouldn't recover. I thought coming face to face with him, I would say something mean he needed to hear... but I didn't want to be mean. I didn't feel angry anymore. I know I will always be tougher than him, smarter than him, kinder than him... and knowing that and living that is my victory. I'll never be that witty girl that sticks it to the man, though there are days I sure would like to be.
Today... I had a pretty amazing day... rounding out a busy week.
I had the privilege of working with my audiologist on her case-study presentation of me. We worked with several representatives from Advanced Bionics doing some music perception testing. To detail the tests, would be lengthy, but it was everything from which instrument do you hear, to what song do you hear, to which pitch is higher the first or second. I was proud of myself. I don't know the official results, but I am pretty sure I exceeded their highest expectations as well as my own. But what really made my day was when they worked out the issues at the end of the testing I have been having with my programming on my new side. When my audiologist adjusted things a week and a half ago, I struggled immensely because the pitch was altered(lower...deeper) for me... throwing everything off. With the help of one of the AB reps, my audiologist was able to strategize with them and it made things 99% better for me! My audiologist was shown a strategy she didn't know about and the I felt like I got the best payment ever for taking part in the testing.
I was able to talk to the AB reps and my audiologist about the whole hearing process, how I hear music now as opposed to prior to my loss altogether and aided vs. implant. It is amazing how healing it is to talk about hearing things on a really in-depth level with people who want to know all about it.
One of the things that I thought about on the drive home today was how it makes me sad to think that many people with implants do not hear as well as me....and I don't think it is because I am a special case. I think they simply can't verbalize how they are hearing with the implant, what they desire to hear with the implant, or maybe they don't even realize they can be assertive in their programming sessions? Maybe I have a language of hearing that is more in-depth because of my vocation allowing me a conversation with my audiologist that some don't have the ability to have? Maybe they get programmed and are happy with what they have, never realizing there is more out there....???? I think what would be helpful for anyone with an implant, who may be your average joe listener to have help them with their programming sessions is a questionnaire, even a vocabulary list to help them get the most out of their listening experience.... maybe a video coaching them through their mapping sessions...??? I just know that I am fortunate, and though my life has led me down some very rugged paths, I always end up in a clearing where I can take a few deep breaths before I go in a new direction. Whenever I get to liking where I am at, a new journey beckons and I am heading off in new directions that are so unexpected that it seems my life is a crazy fictional saga.
I have to say, I don't feel unappreciated at all. Kids are pretty awesome at giving you that little boost when you need it the most. But, this week was especially nice because one of my students nominated me for "teachers are tops" through a local radio station. That was Monday evening, at the end of a very hectic day at school. I hadn't read his nomination letter and it made me pretty emotional knowing that my hard-work means so much to someone. It definitely got me thinking about the many miracles in my life and the heartbreak too.
That evening, when I was being honored by a terrific student, I also came face-to-face with the principal who nearly cost me my job the year I lost my hearing(two of his children had nominated their teachers). He didn't support me in my struggle to overcome the odds and keep teaching, and I came frighteningly close to losing my job. At one point, he told me "off the record" that he wasn't sure if he would want me teaching his daughter music, because she loves music and wasn't sure if I could hear well enough to give her the training she deserved. That was a crushing moment for me. It was equally as difficult when he sat in my classroom to observe me on three separate occasions (a standard no other teacher was held to, and in retrospect was a totally unfair and discriminatory practice), knowing full-well that I was still competent and passionate, and yet sat across from me in a meeting where I thought I was a goner, with the superintendent and he didn't say... I've seen her, she is still effectively teaching. He watched me sob that day; who wouldn't be able to control their emotions? and as he watched he was seemingly unnerved and uncaring.... In the end of that nightmarish year when I lost my hearing, our finances crumbled, my marriage was on the rocks, and I almost lost my job... he left to pursue other options, and I received teacher of the year. In the end, I beat the odds, and outlasted him, but sometimes... when I think back to that year... I am nearly overcome with the flood of memories... It wasn't so long ago I thought my life had completely fallen apart and I wouldn't recover. I thought coming face to face with him, I would say something mean he needed to hear... but I didn't want to be mean. I didn't feel angry anymore. I know I will always be tougher than him, smarter than him, kinder than him... and knowing that and living that is my victory. I'll never be that witty girl that sticks it to the man, though there are days I sure would like to be.
Today... I had a pretty amazing day... rounding out a busy week.
I had the privilege of working with my audiologist on her case-study presentation of me. We worked with several representatives from Advanced Bionics doing some music perception testing. To detail the tests, would be lengthy, but it was everything from which instrument do you hear, to what song do you hear, to which pitch is higher the first or second. I was proud of myself. I don't know the official results, but I am pretty sure I exceeded their highest expectations as well as my own. But what really made my day was when they worked out the issues at the end of the testing I have been having with my programming on my new side. When my audiologist adjusted things a week and a half ago, I struggled immensely because the pitch was altered(lower...deeper) for me... throwing everything off. With the help of one of the AB reps, my audiologist was able to strategize with them and it made things 99% better for me! My audiologist was shown a strategy she didn't know about and the I felt like I got the best payment ever for taking part in the testing.
I was able to talk to the AB reps and my audiologist about the whole hearing process, how I hear music now as opposed to prior to my loss altogether and aided vs. implant. It is amazing how healing it is to talk about hearing things on a really in-depth level with people who want to know all about it.
One of the things that I thought about on the drive home today was how it makes me sad to think that many people with implants do not hear as well as me....and I don't think it is because I am a special case. I think they simply can't verbalize how they are hearing with the implant, what they desire to hear with the implant, or maybe they don't even realize they can be assertive in their programming sessions? Maybe I have a language of hearing that is more in-depth because of my vocation allowing me a conversation with my audiologist that some don't have the ability to have? Maybe they get programmed and are happy with what they have, never realizing there is more out there....???? I think what would be helpful for anyone with an implant, who may be your average joe listener to have help them with their programming sessions is a questionnaire, even a vocabulary list to help them get the most out of their listening experience.... maybe a video coaching them through their mapping sessions...??? I just know that I am fortunate, and though my life has led me down some very rugged paths, I always end up in a clearing where I can take a few deep breaths before I go in a new direction. Whenever I get to liking where I am at, a new journey beckons and I am heading off in new directions that are so unexpected that it seems my life is a crazy fictional saga.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
changes
This post is going to be a little technical, but hang in there because I will explain it the best I can for normal readers!
I went for an adjustment a little over a week ago. I know it sounds silly, but I always get nervous when I do the word lists (the audiologist plays a tape recording of sentences and single words... I repeat them back)... The words list I did was the hardest I had ever done and there is the shortest pause between the words on purpose. In the end, the results were positive. She said it is a list people 1 year out do, and I did very well on one month post-activation. We went back to her room to do some adjustments and we worked on two things... The first was she had to re-introduce some electrodes we had disabled at the last appointment. Let me explain.... There are 16 channels. The audiologist fine tunes things by going through each channel and having me find a particular volume on each. There were three channels that I had no thresh-hold on, meaning there was no too loud. So, rather than drain the battery, she temporarily disabled those channels. She re-introduced them to me and then making that small change, I had to go back through each channel and check the volume again, because one change is always very significant. In the end she introduced two of three. I have to say, it really altered the overall pitch of what I was hearing. Everything sounded much lower in pitch. As a result I was talking very high.
The other change she made was I was getting sound from two sources, my processor and my t-mic. She was told from the company (AB) that all of my sound should come from my t-mic.
Now, I know from previous sessions that sometimes even though things sound overwhelming and strange at first, you just have to be patient and give it a try. At one week out, I was still pretty frustrated by what I was hearing. I just couldn't get used to it. Because everything sounded lower, nothing sounded "right." Also, I couldn't just focus on my right implant, because it is like food getting stuck in-between your teeth, that is all you can focus on.
Now, just the last few days, I am getting accustomed to the change. I can still tell you that I prefer my previous program.
I go this Thursday to do some music perception tests with my audiologist and a rep. from AB. I am looking forward to it. Although I still feel kind of nervous, like I should be studying for this test or something!
I had problems this week with vertigo. It was what I would describe as manageable, but I am exhausted. I am no scientist, but because of recent vertigo attacks, Dr. Weber said that it sounds like I could have Meniere's. I had read once that the onset of symptoms could be delayed... though rare. I really think my issues have to do with female issues. I think that when I am retaining water (PMS) I have the vertigo issues. It is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. Every night I would lay down and then get up thinking I was going to throw-up. I am going to have to speak with my audiologist and doctor about going on a diuretic. I cannot work full-time and tend to my family when I felt the way I did last week. I would lose my balance walking, couldn't bend over... and still had to function and be productive! This has consistently happened monthly since December, with two full-blown vertigo spells and two relatively bad spells.
If you have any questions, please ask! I know this post was technical, but I want you to understand what this experience is like... either post them in the comments section or email me!
Other than that... I am looking forward to Thursday! (music testing)
I went for an adjustment a little over a week ago. I know it sounds silly, but I always get nervous when I do the word lists (the audiologist plays a tape recording of sentences and single words... I repeat them back)... The words list I did was the hardest I had ever done and there is the shortest pause between the words on purpose. In the end, the results were positive. She said it is a list people 1 year out do, and I did very well on one month post-activation. We went back to her room to do some adjustments and we worked on two things... The first was she had to re-introduce some electrodes we had disabled at the last appointment. Let me explain.... There are 16 channels. The audiologist fine tunes things by going through each channel and having me find a particular volume on each. There were three channels that I had no thresh-hold on, meaning there was no too loud. So, rather than drain the battery, she temporarily disabled those channels. She re-introduced them to me and then making that small change, I had to go back through each channel and check the volume again, because one change is always very significant. In the end she introduced two of three. I have to say, it really altered the overall pitch of what I was hearing. Everything sounded much lower in pitch. As a result I was talking very high.
The other change she made was I was getting sound from two sources, my processor and my t-mic. She was told from the company (AB) that all of my sound should come from my t-mic.
Now, I know from previous sessions that sometimes even though things sound overwhelming and strange at first, you just have to be patient and give it a try. At one week out, I was still pretty frustrated by what I was hearing. I just couldn't get used to it. Because everything sounded lower, nothing sounded "right." Also, I couldn't just focus on my right implant, because it is like food getting stuck in-between your teeth, that is all you can focus on.
Now, just the last few days, I am getting accustomed to the change. I can still tell you that I prefer my previous program.
I go this Thursday to do some music perception tests with my audiologist and a rep. from AB. I am looking forward to it. Although I still feel kind of nervous, like I should be studying for this test or something!
I had problems this week with vertigo. It was what I would describe as manageable, but I am exhausted. I am no scientist, but because of recent vertigo attacks, Dr. Weber said that it sounds like I could have Meniere's. I had read once that the onset of symptoms could be delayed... though rare. I really think my issues have to do with female issues. I think that when I am retaining water (PMS) I have the vertigo issues. It is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. Every night I would lay down and then get up thinking I was going to throw-up. I am going to have to speak with my audiologist and doctor about going on a diuretic. I cannot work full-time and tend to my family when I felt the way I did last week. I would lose my balance walking, couldn't bend over... and still had to function and be productive! This has consistently happened monthly since December, with two full-blown vertigo spells and two relatively bad spells.
If you have any questions, please ask! I know this post was technical, but I want you to understand what this experience is like... either post them in the comments section or email me!
Other than that... I am looking forward to Thursday! (music testing)
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