some updates

Last week I was singing happy birthday to my left implant. My surgery on my second implant was a year ago on Addison's birthday. My activation anniversary isn't until the 21st of this month.

You know it is hard to express how much my implants have changed my life. Sometimes I am hearing so well that when I am frustrated with something I need to remind myself of the obstacles I face daily. Some days I will hear something and say... Wow..I heard that for myself!
And the longer the time between the initial hearing loss and each new day, the pain really gets better. The way I am hearing now is my "new normal"and that yardstick to which I used to compare everything to, that strong auditory memory...has diminished. I used to just be sick to my stomach at times listening to my choir and remembering how it should sound in comparison to the feedback I was actually getting. It didn't just emotionally hurt, I could get pangs in my chest longing to hear "normally." I didn't think that would ever go away, but it has gotten to the point that I may be aware of it on some level but I am focusing now on the information I am getting, and my brain is sending signals to those memories that this is "normal." Gosh, I hope that makes sense.

I would say over the summer was a turning point for me. I cannot pinpoint the day and time but I can tell you at some point my grieving process was over. I don't find myself looking back the way I used to. I find myself looking forward. I don't feel "fragile" emotionally like I used to feel (in private...never in public). It is amazing how getting to the other side of the grieving process allows you so much more energy. Not that I went around sad, I coped well with my situation but it was always there on some level.

What is on the horizon for me? I am traveling to California for the Bionic Ear Association mentor training. I am really looking forward to it, though it will be the first time I will be flying by myself. I'm not gonna lie... I am nervous. I am afraid on my layover I am not going to hear my flight being called. But, I am excited about the opportunity to be a mentor and I think this is a good challenge for me... I want to prove to myself that I can travel alone.

Work is astounding me. I cannot believe how much I can hear and how much I am capable of. For the first time since my loss I don't feel like I have something to prove. I know I am competent and if anything my disability pushes me past the normal person's whining. I don't see myself as being limited now like I used to feel. Again, that yardstick thing... I am who I am now, not wishing to be the old me, not carrying around grief.