What I'm Thankful for

I live in a country where a black man can be voted president and a deaf girl can teach music. For those things, I am thankful!

This will probably be my shortest posting to date, but I am in a very different place this Thanksgiving than even a year ago. I am surprising myself every day. I hear so much that I appreciate this gift beyond belief.

This year has brought a lot of ups and downs for my little family emotionally and financially, but as I type this from my computer listening to the tapping of the keys in my warm home I realize I am living a miraculous life! To what the future brings I can't say, but I am grateful and despite everything my heart is warm. I give thanks.

maybe we should sweat the small stuff

I haven't updated the blog for some time because I wanted to give myself the opportunity to see what differences this year would bring.
I can say with confidence that I am hearing better than I have in four years. I knew that I was hearing significantly better over the summer. My confidence has been building in so many small ways (they say not to sweat the small stuff, but the small things can also mean everything can't they?) And this week I have astounded myself.
What I am hearing musically is so significantly different than with just one implant and not even comparable to severe hearing loss with hearing aids. Sometimes as I am writing and trying to convey my feelings I realize that some of the readers out there may feel sorry for me, and I am past that stuff now... so take what I say with the the insight into my heart that it is intended with. I just want you to understand as best as I can put into words what I am hearing and for me, this journey is and will always be an emotional one.
People want to know how I have taught music through the difficult hearing times and I can tell you that there three reasons I have been able to do what I have done 1) Determination 2) God 3) Instincts.
The first year was sheer determination. I didn't want to give up teaching, couldn't and wouldn't. Put those feelings in the heart of a stubborn woman and it is a wicked combinations of guts and fearlessness. The second year, I felt I had to prove I was worth all of the fuss. For those who stuck up for me through the difficult times and because I needed to know I could. The the third year into hearing loss is when the hearing dipped again. This time I looked into the implants and thus we get to the blog.
Sometimes I can't explain it all... it was God.
But through the last three years I have relied heavily on instincts... when did I anticipate the kids would make musical mistakes, when did stuff feel like it wasn't "right" musically, looking at their reaction, truly lots and lots of good gut instincts. When I had my first implant my life was changed for the better... it was all so much easier. I felt confident again and so I anticipated that second implant with joy! There is an eight month difference between the first and second... (the second activation was at the end of March)....
Last year it was the end of the school year, a busy time and there was tweaking to be done with an audiologist when the process began with my second implant. By May things were starting to sound pretty good, but the school year had come to a close. The summer was busy, but just living the daily life... I noticed positive changes in my hearing.
I was excited for the school year to start. And I'll tell you, it is hard for me to not allow myself time to feel disappointed. Sometimes I struggle in the afternoon. I am tired, I usually leave the house at 7 for a before school rehearsal or meeting. By 1:30 I am in need of about an hour break, that never comes. I have to work very hard in the afternoon to not allow myself to get frustrated when a student may have to repeat something. I am deaf. I have two implants and I still lead an extraordinary life. But I struggle sometimes. I am so hard on myself.... so I try to count my blessings not my worries put on a brave face and keep trying.
So... what am I hearing, what is so extraordinary?? I feel like each day I'm hearing new stuff! And maybe my friends at AB would concur (on a scientific level)? I am hearing very accurately musical mistakes. Several times in the last two weeks, I have stopped and said... you are singing too high here... what are you doing there? I hear the quality of soloists, and if they are pitchy and if they are flat or sharp and exactly when they go off pitch (if they were ever on). My brain is making pathways to understand once again not just the complexity of harmony... two voices at once (which was at one point inaccessible to me) I can now hear the sound the two notes make together. I hear the piano part and the choir and each individually and combined.. which is a pretty intense listening thing.. to hear each and how they work together, that is something! I feel sometimes confident and strong and vibrant... as if I am resurrecting a me I thought was gone for good. And sometimes I feel small and lonely when the afternoon becomes a struggle because my brain is tired and I've heard enough. I guess I haven't figured out how to merge the two me's yet. How can I be such a contradiction of my own self? So strong and so alone? I don't know how it all works yet.
I am still thoroughly amazed by how each implant allows me to hear such different sounds. Each side is so unique in the information that it provides me with. One so clear and thin, one so vibrant and blurry. Why is the side that allows me such vibrancy in sound, such depth the one that I struggle with speech perception and vice versa?
I feel blessed that I have been given some more opportunities to share my experience with others. I will be speaking with the OCMEA group at Muskingum college at the end of October. In December I will share my story with a CI group in Wayne/Holmes county.
My parting thoughts are... Don't underestimate the small stuff. It is often the smallest thing in our lives that give us that flicker of hope needed to carry on.

more comparisons, more insight

First, wow... it is great to hear from some of my old college friends through the comments you have left me! I have been making fun of Adam for having a facebook page until my mom requested him as a friend on facebook! Who knew my own mother had a facebook page? HA! Or that it would give me the opportunity to catch up with some great people?

So, I've been thinking and experimenting a lot with the difference between each ear and both. I am so anxious to find out if other CI users have the same sensations I have or if once again I am a freak of nature? Seriously but not... =)

Ok... here is the breakdown... My right side was implanted 13 months ago. It was all alone until the left side was activated in late March of this year... My right side is still predominant in understanding basically everything... I can function pretty comfortably in all areas with just one, or so I think... but then I realize I am cranking up the volume on the t.v., my understanding of words goes from excellent to having to ask for things to be repeated... and I realize how much of a gift the second one has been...
The left side, well... it acts as ... let's compare the right to the camera and the left to the lens... It makes the sounds take shape and make sense... alone it sounds kind of bright, and alone it can leave me edgy, but I see how they each work independently and also how they/my brain works it out as a team. Seriously, if you sit and think about it, it can raise some questions...
1) Do normal hearing people have an ear that captures the information and an ear that shapes the sound?
2) Do other people with two cochlear implants feel the same way?
3) How does my brain make it all work so brilliantly?

I can no longer enjoy music with just one... it feels all wrong with one. How much of my hearing is instincts, auditory memory and how much is true?

I had a moment this afternoon, that kind of took my breath away... talk about localization... (that is the ability to tell where the sound is coming from)... I heard a light thunderstorm roll in, and could tell when it was rolling out... the distance of the rumble... But I also pay so much more attention to how sounds feel too... something normal hearing people don't experience on a conscience level...

As I sit inside with the windows open this week... a cool week that it has been, I have taken wonder in listening to the sounds outside and identifying them..I can tell the difference between a truck, motorcycle or car without seeing them... I can tell if voices chatting as they walk by are children playing or adults, I can tell the neighborhood dogs apart by their bark.

You know, sometimes I feel the old stabs of pain in my chest, when I remember how badly I miss what I lost. How lost I was as a result. But now, it is more often that I just feel normal again, utterly normal. It is more often I wonder in the miracles of pain and joy I have seen in my life when so much of it is left to be lived. It isn't so much the losing my hearing and whole life being turned upside down that chokes me up now, it is everything in between that I see... The protectiveness of family and friends, the patience of my students, my own determination.

confidence gained

So the biggest benefit I have gained from the entire cochlear implant experience is confidence. It never occurred to me how much I had lost and how much my friends and family watched out for me. I see them doing and saying things and I wonder, what is the fuss? Then I realize they are just used to being my helpers.
Here is an example. We were up at the Lake last week and my dad was watching the kids swim in the channel... He wanted to go inside so he told the kids they had to get out. I said "Dad, I am right here!" He said "You cannot save them with your implants." I said.. "I can whip them off and jump in there." I find my family asking..."did you hear that?" and I say "yes." Or in situations that used to be difficult for me, they anticipate me not getting by, or missing something... my mom is constantly asking "can you hear that?" When we went to the African Safari the whopping 3 times she kept asking if I could hear things... I don't know if it is because she expects I can't or just wants to know if now I can. A lot of people close to me ask me what things sound like as we are hearing them... Mom wanted to know if rain on the roof of the little trailer we were staying at sounded like rain... and my friend the other day was curious to know if the dog sounded like a dog sounds... The answers are yes! The brain is so amazing. I am astounded by my adaptability. When I hear something and realize what I am hearing, it just sounds normal to me now. So, thunder sounds like thunder, a cat purring sounds like a cat purring, a baby cooing sounds like a baby cooing... the only instances where I can say... stuff sounds different to me is music. I am finding out more and more about the implants and what the boundaries are to understand why I hear things the way I do. But instruments seem to resonate a lot longer (much more noticeable than the regular hearing ear)... I can notice and be distracted by the vibrations on drums, even the piano well after you probably would no longer notice. The timbre of instruments is different too. They lack some of the warmth and richness of the sound the used to have. Of course in music the implants aren't as distinctive in all areas, however I can hear a singer and know if I like their sound or not, if they are pitchy or not... So all of these things lead me to the assumption that no things don't sound like they really sound, but my brain makes the adjustment for the most part.
I have found in my own little tests this summer that even if I am wearing my preferred implant only (the one who is now a year old vs. the one who is just 4 mos. old) I feel a significant decrease in my speech understanding with my children or the t.v. But when I add that second implant, something clicks in my brain and I get so much more. I know I have mentioned it before but the difference in the shape of sound with two is huge. I notice it a great deal with music.
I go back to that feeling when I was activated with my second implant, and I went down to the noisy lobby in the hospital and I could have cried a combination of sadness and happiness. I could not believe the wealth of information I was getting with the second. I whole new world and depth had been rediscovered. I was overwhelmed by the additional noise, but shocked at how much I had been missing with one alone. I was excited and scared all at once.
I have found in my programming I prefer as much information as they will give me... background noise etc... It makes everything feel alive and real to me.
I have lots to do to prepare for school..but I can tell you with confidence that this year will be a huge change for me in a good way. I have a swing in my step again. I feel a part of the world. I am learning how to be a strong independent person all over again....
Some side notes... Adam ended up taking a different job offer. He is excited about the potential there.
The kids are growing like weeds. I can say with confidence Addison is going to be ready to go back to school. He needs the social interaction. I try to fill his days with as much as possible, but he just needs to be around people. He thrives that way.
For now, life is on track... I get to share my music experiences with other CI users at a support group in a few weeks, so I am looking forward to that... I am also looking forward to the school year with a renewed confidence.

to and fro

My latest adventures in hearing loss, as I like to call them, have taken me to Los Angeles again, Las Vegas, and Cleveland.
The week of the fourth, I was in Los Angeles. I had been asked back to do some more testing. Mom and I flew in on a Sunday and we did the silly Tour of the Star's Homes. It was actually neat and they took us up to Hollywood Hills and we had a great view of the Hollywood sign and downtown Los Angeles. Then we drove to Malibu and met my friend, Dana and her husband for dinner. It was a really neat restaurant on the beach. Pretty exhausted, we headed for the hotel. On Monday I did some testing. No silly tricks, just testing. It was pretty straight forward, and it was so nice to see the AB gang again. Tuesday was supposed to be the same, but Aniket ended up sick. My mom kept calling him "the germ" and other silly names. I did tell everyone there that if he got me sick for our side trip to Las Vegas I was definitely sending hate emails. I ended up really enjoying what I got to do instead. I got to sit down with a few people and look at products in the works and give my feedback. I never knew how much I would enjoy doing product analysis... who knew??? In the afternoon I worked on some tcoil testing, which I didn't mind at all.
Wednesday was my big day. I was giving a presentation of my story to the employees at both of the AB campuses and one time for new hires. I had worked pretty hard on my presentation, and some of my former students put together an amazing video as part of my story. I had no idea how emotional it would be to say some of those feelings and experiences out loud for people who really care and are invested in making the product. No better audience I suppose.
So let's say that stress is a trigger for my vertigo and somehow I was internalizing some weird nervousness for speaking. I didn't feel nervous, but my body said otherwise... I ended up with vertigo the night before my presentation and I wasn't sure if I would be able to do it. In the morning I decided to suck it up and get dressed. By the time I got there the vertigo was much better. The presentations were well received and I think it did me good to say a lot of that stuff out loud. I met a lot of neat people post speeches.. and everyone loved the video the kids did. After that day, I needed to kick back and finally felt like I could.
Thursday of that week we drove to Vegas (about 4 + hrs.)... We had a nice time in Vegas, ate way too much, including a very silly story about Gelato at Caesar's Palace that is probably funnier in person. Our flight back was good and I was tearful and missing my kids on the plane home. All in all, a great trip. I would go back in a minute. I feel like being a willing participant in the testing, if that makes a difference in the development of implants in some small way, then I could never say no to any opportunity to do so.
This week I had the chance to be a part of a panel at Rainbow Babies and Childrens in Cleveland talking about my bilateral experience. Again, it was neat to see my AB friends and my audiologist, they are all wonderful, dedicated people who have made a difference in my life.... I felt like this speech unexpectedly gave me the chance to not only share my experience with people who may be considering another implant for themselves or children, but I got to encourage some people who have two but may not be having as positive of an experience as I am.
Now, I get to relax for the most part for the rest of the summer, nothing gut-wrenching...
Next week is Vacation Bible School at my church and Adam will be leading the games and I will be teaching 3rd/4th grade. I realize this may be the chance to really share my faith with impressionable little people, so I am really pumped about it.
Today is actually our tenth wedding anniversary... we can celebrate because Adam accepted a job offer this week. It is not at all what we had in mind, but see it as an opportunity to make money and support our family. In the economy, we are happy for him to have an offer and grateful.
Tomorrow is little Mimi's birthday! So, for now... we seem to be headed down a smoother road for the time being.

Seattle recap

To sum up the Seattle trip....
The tests at The University of Washington... I worked with four people. Dr. Drennan, the professor administering the tests, who I did not see very much.... I worked primarily with a very kind audiologist, Elyse and an engineer, Jong Ho, and a little bit of time with Nikita.
Some of the tests, I was slightly familiar with because I had done some of them at Cleveland Clinic. The music tests(those weren't so bad)...... but that was not all!!!!
I literally gave them all I had and left both testing days feeling spent and actually sick to my stomach. The first night I could not get the testing noises out of my memory and laid in bed thinking about them! Though it is hard to explain what they were like in the written word, the one that really troubled me was the they played plain white noise and then a rapidly changing white noise with no pause. I had to determine which was changing the first or second sound. It sounds easy, but some of them were so quick I had to guess. The bad thing about the tests there, is a lot of them gave you feedback as to whether or not you got the answer right (it would light up on the laptop I was working from) and then I would start to get freaked out if I was doing poorly. It would have been better not to know. There were sentences mixed with noise and then one with four pitches, one was slightly altered, and when I say slightly... I am not joking! In addition to that, I kept taking the same tests over and over again... but with different programming strategies. I had to do the tests four times with the four different strategies. Without getting very technical, they had just one electrode turned on, so I couldn't really understanding speech very well and two of the tests were in analog sound not digital, so it sounded like clicks and scratches... very weird. After taking each test four times I would put my own processor back on... and everything just sounds weird. It really messes with your head... which is why I think I got the stomach ache. Needless to say, they were hard. I can only hope the information I gave them was valuable and yes... even though the tests made me kind of physically sick... I would do any testing again in a heartbeat. I want to contribute in any way I can. That is so important to me!

Seattle, it was gorgeous. I was enthralled with Mt. Rainer. If you don't know what it looks like, please look it up online. I kept looking at it, to make sure it was still there. We felt like we got to see and do a lot there and the weather was gorgeous. I would go back to the pacific northwest in a minute. The mountains are gorgeous and Puget Sound and all of the surrounding water was beautiful as well. We were also really impressed with how eco-friendly the city is. It was a chance for us to momentarily not worry about Adam's job search and we needed that time to re-group.

Other updates.... I leave very, very early Sunday morning for Los Angeles with mom. I will be testing for two days and on the third day, I get to do a presentation about my whole story for some employees at both of their facilities. I am working on it now. I am amazed at how fresh some of those wounds still are after 4 years. I am sure I will get emotional talking about it, which I hope will make my story more meaningful to those hearing it. I also asked some of my former students to make a dvd about life pre and post implant to show as a part of my presentation. They are coming over today to interview Addison. What is also cool about this trip, is mom and I get to see Dana, my producer for 3 wishes. Adam has a few upcoming interviews, so that keeps us hopeful about his job search....

Lastly, our dear friend Dave passed away in his sleep early Wednesday. He has been given so much more time than the doctors ever dreamed. We were all strengthened in his unwavering faith, but my heart aches for his family. I know these first few months for his family will pass in a blur... it is about 6 months from now when people think you should be all better that Sarah and the girls will need support.

He reminds me something I know well. It isn't the bad things in life that need to define us. It is what we do with those circumstances that say everything about who we are. Dave remained faithful when I know from my own experience you want to shout at God... Why??? He never stopped joking, even though life wasn't very funny. And he surrounded himself with the love of his friends and family, when he probably wanted to be alone. He was amazing, and I am proud I could call him and his family my friends.

another adventure in hearing loss

Tomorrow morning Adam and I leave for Seattle. Another adventure in hearing loss you could say.... We had hoped once he lost his job unexpectedly, that we could switch my mom to my travel companion to save money, but that didn't fly because of crazy airline policies.
I will be taking part in a study through the University of Washington about music perception. I did a few of his tests when Advanced Bionics was showing Joyce the ropes on some music tests they provided the Cleveland clinic with.... one of them, one of the harder ones, was Dr. Drennans.
I need to get myself excited about this opportunity. It is hard leaving Mimi and Addi. It is even harder when they don't feel well. Addison is recovering from his surgery and Mimi ended up at the e.r. with a bad uti. I also get nervous, as silly as it sounds, I want to provide them with great information, so I get myself antsy about the testing. I know, I know... it is like being nervous for an eye exam my friend told me... you can't prepare for it, so just give it your best shot!
I'm sure I'll have a great update next week. We will get home late Sunday. I'll be sure to include Seattle pictures.

perfect timing?

When I go to California in 2 weeks I get the opportunity to tell my story. I have 45 minutes to talk and explain my hearing loss, my decision to get implants, and how the implants have affected my life.
It is funny, because I remember the year after I lost my hearing and survived the evil administration at school... I decided that God wanted me to talk about my faith and my experience. Do you get the irony of that? I decided God wanted me to do something... hmmmm.... sounds like I wanted to go with my timing not His. I suppose if I hadn't gotten busy with another school year and then the fun of being on a television show, well... that I didn't pursue that dream of MINE. Then the following summer I had Mimi, and last summer I got my implant.
I have often thought about getting my story down in words. I have thought about sharing my experiences of faith through this tough time, but in the end I don't. I still feel that tugging to do it, and I suppose the blog (though intended to share my journey of my implants) has turned into so much more for me, is a decent way to start. At any rate, here I am... going on a trip to California in 2 weeks and I didn't have to seek the opportunity out, it was presented to me and I suspect it is perfect timing.
So... where do I start? When does my story begin? When I picked up my Aunt Josie's banged up flute and started to play and learn about music? Does it start that fateful day 4 years ago when I lost my hearing and life forever changed?
How do I explain to someone the difference between one implant and two? How can I capture the right words to express the excitement and hesitation of feeling independent again? Geez... guess I have my work cut out for me!
In other matters... Addison is doing great. He doesn't complain, what a champ.
Adam is still searching for a job. We were both down in the dumps yesterday. I am pretty sure he just feels sad. Sad about losing his job he loved, sad about not knowing how he will provide his share for our family. Me, sometimes I get to the point where I think... can I really withstand another personal ordeal? Like, we all get our shares in a lifetime and I feel I have met my quota in 4 years, so let's move onto someone else. Nonetheless, it will work out and I know that I prayed and cried and went through a plethora of emotions the last 3 years, and although I don't always like the timing or the way my prayers have been answered, they are answered.

little bumps in the road

Sometimes you have a rough patch, and I am in a little rough patch of my own these days.

Adam lost his job last week. He had been employed there for 10 years and truly liked his job. It scares me financially, but you keep your chin up and you stay brave. I know that God has a good plan for Adam, and in turn for all of us.

Addison got his tonsils out today. He is such a trooper, but it isn't any fun for him or his family. We have tried to make it not so tough... what is wonderful is they have real pain medication for little guys now. I am grateful for that. My mom also got him a little ipod shuffle and made some homemade chicken noodle soup, which definitely beats the Mrs. Grass soup he was going to get from me....LOL....

Last bump in the road, which is huge and makes my heart heavy just to think about it, is our friend Dave who has battled a brain tumor for a year and a half. He is in the hospice room at our local hospital and my heart breaks for them. It is hard to understand something as ugly as cancer. He and his wife are just a bit older than Adam and I and have children our children's ages.

I have been thinking a lot about my bilateral CI experience and all of my hearing loss experiences a lot the last week. Whenever people are faced with adversity and change and loss, be it ours or someone else's, I think we need to stop and evaluate our own lives. I will start putting together my presentation for my upcoming L.A. trip this evening. It is hard to know where to start. How do you explain my story from start to now?

Another year down, lizzie logic list

There is so much going on... where to start?
Okay, a big milestone for me. My last day of school for the year with students is tomorrow. Of course, like any teacher I am ready for summer, but unlike most teachers.... I am teaching when in theory it shouldn't be possible.
Someone close to me said a year after I lost my hearing "It is time to move on and get over your hearing loss." Wow... wouldn't that be awesome if that were possible? Put a huge physical obstacle you are stuck with for life that sometimes frustrates you to the point of crying definitely at one year out, and although now, tears don't come anymore... yep, get over it, great advice! (I hope you sense my sarcasm)....
So, making it to the end of this year... well, it was so much easier than it has been since I lost my hearing. So much, that I find myself reminding kids from time to time, I know you forget I have a significant hearing impairment, but.... it is still difficult for me with tons of noise in a room of 75 people, go figure!
I had fun this year. Not that I didn't have fun moments the last four years, but even thinking back to last year, one year ago before my implants... I am teary eyed. It was so, so difficult. I was so tired and frustrated and honestly, I felt very lonely and sometimes. I doubted my own capabilities. I hate saying that, but if I am going to put it out there, well I better be honest! I had to rely on my instincts of music and teenagers. Now, I can have honest to goodness feedback. I can hear and be critical. I never thought I'd have that again. I had resigned myself, accepted so many things I never thought I would accept.
All of my experiences have led me to some conclusions.
1) People are afraid to take risks. Doctors didn't want me to subject myself to steroids, because of the risks. Administrators four years ago assumed I would fail, because to gamble on me with my circumstance was surely a risk. A lot of people wouldn't have had the courage to even try to teach in my situation, because I was liable to fail... a risk...
2) Life isn't the deck of cards you get, it is how you play them. I am not just talking about myself. I am talking about my friend Dave who is being courageous and positive despite being at the end of his battle with a brain tumor, it is my friend Kaylah who was a student of mine who just graduated from college despite the many odds against her, it is my father-in-law who continues to work despite the tremendous medical ordeals he has faced.... it is there in all of us. I see a lot of people faced with adversity and I see two schools of thought. The person that folds when their hand is crummy and the deck seems stacked against them... and the person who plays the crummy hand well. There isn't a lot of in-between.
3) Faith is essential. I know some readers don't want to hear this one, you are probably the ones who need to hear it the most... but I truly believe I would have quietly applied for disability, sold my house and probably ended my marriage during the worst times if I hadn't answered to God first. I've seen friends give up on certain circumstances, because it is often times so much easier. I could have made a happy life for myself if I retired w/ disability, and I probably wouldn't have as many gray hairs either...
One morning, I remember it as plain as if it were yesterday. I had all but given up. It was the only day that year I didn't go to work because I was just too broken. The administration had turned on me, our finances were out of control, and I had just been told by the doctor I refer to as Dr. Personality... sorry there is nothing more I can do, we don't know why you lost your hearing... and then I found a scripture that turned it all around for me... Isaiah 40... the Eagle's Wings verse. I kept fighting because of that verse. Every single time I wanted to throw in the towel after that over the next 3 years, I had God to keep me going. What I was looking for, that peace to see me through... I found it in Him. That simple.
4) Be somebody to someone every day. There are a million reasons why I kept up the fight... Faith, health insurance (I carry it), stubbornness, not wanting to let my students down... The power in being someone to somebody is unfailing. Because I wanted to keep teaching... because I was doing it when it was tough... the kids saw that. They still see it. How many people go to their job and do it because they don't want to let anyone down? They think about the people they work with, pray for them, pray with them, smile at them, want to be a hero to them? Our world could be transformed. You can be a bus driver, waitress, salesman, nurse, manager.... if you do it because you are truly invested in what you are doing, and do it with heart... life could change for not just you, but the people around you!
5)When in doubt, just one day at a time.
6) Love your career enough you would want to do it if you were faced with a situation like mine.
7) Don't ever quit. I tell my son... Bausches aren't quitters. It sounds cheesy, but what a powerful thing to instill in a little guy. I have always lived by this. When I got 4th chair flute my sophomore year in high school. I didn't cry. I practiced. I challenged every single girl in front of me and within a month I was sitting where I wanted to be, first chair. I knew I would outlast the bad guys... (ie, insensitive and non courageous meany-head administrators) and I did. All of them.
8) Even when people are really insensitive, give bad advice, try to fire you... be nice. The wisecrack or last word my feel good at the moment, but in the end you may end up regretting it. I'd like to believe I'm usually the better person, or at least I try to be.

Well...
I have lots on my agenda the next six weeks... Addison is getting his tonsils removed, I will be flying first to Seattle to the University of Washington to do some music perception tests and then to L.A. to do some testing with beeps and sentences and a really cool opportunity to talk to their employees... finally in July I get to speak in Cleveland at a symposium w/ the three implant producers and both Cleveland hospitals. I feel blessed. I feel like... these opportunities, this is what I am geared up to do!

busy lizzie deep thoughts

What a busy week it has been! The week started off great with a special nod for teacher appreciation week.

I have to say, I don't feel unappreciated at all. Kids are pretty awesome at giving you that little boost when you need it the most. But, this week was especially nice because one of my students nominated me for "teachers are tops" through a local radio station. That was Monday evening, at the end of a very hectic day at school. I hadn't read his nomination letter and it made me pretty emotional knowing that my hard-work means so much to someone. It definitely got me thinking about the many miracles in my life and the heartbreak too.
That evening, when I was being honored by a terrific student, I also came face-to-face with the principal who nearly cost me my job the year I lost my hearing(two of his children had nominated their teachers). He didn't support me in my struggle to overcome the odds and keep teaching, and I came frighteningly close to losing my job. At one point, he told me "off the record" that he wasn't sure if he would want me teaching his daughter music, because she loves music and wasn't sure if I could hear well enough to give her the training she deserved. That was a crushing moment for me. It was equally as difficult when he sat in my classroom to observe me on three separate occasions (a standard no other teacher was held to, and in retrospect was a totally unfair and discriminatory practice), knowing full-well that I was still competent and passionate, and yet sat across from me in a meeting where I thought I was a goner, with the superintendent and he didn't say... I've seen her, she is still effectively teaching. He watched me sob that day; who wouldn't be able to control their emotions? and as he watched he was seemingly unnerved and uncaring.... In the end of that nightmarish year when I lost my hearing, our finances crumbled, my marriage was on the rocks, and I almost lost my job... he left to pursue other options, and I received teacher of the year. In the end, I beat the odds, and outlasted him, but sometimes... when I think back to that year... I am nearly overcome with the flood of memories... It wasn't so long ago I thought my life had completely fallen apart and I wouldn't recover. I thought coming face to face with him, I would say something mean he needed to hear... but I didn't want to be mean. I didn't feel angry anymore. I know I will always be tougher than him, smarter than him, kinder than him... and knowing that and living that is my victory. I'll never be that witty girl that sticks it to the man, though there are days I sure would like to be.
Today... I had a pretty amazing day... rounding out a busy week.
I had the privilege of working with my audiologist on her case-study presentation of me. We worked with several representatives from Advanced Bionics doing some music perception testing. To detail the tests, would be lengthy, but it was everything from which instrument do you hear, to what song do you hear, to which pitch is higher the first or second. I was proud of myself. I don't know the official results, but I am pretty sure I exceeded their highest expectations as well as my own. But what really made my day was when they worked out the issues at the end of the testing I have been having with my programming on my new side. When my audiologist adjusted things a week and a half ago, I struggled immensely because the pitch was altered(lower...deeper) for me... throwing everything off. With the help of one of the AB reps, my audiologist was able to strategize with them and it made things 99% better for me! My audiologist was shown a strategy she didn't know about and the I felt like I got the best payment ever for taking part in the testing.
I was able to talk to the AB reps and my audiologist about the whole hearing process, how I hear music now as opposed to prior to my loss altogether and aided vs. implant. It is amazing how healing it is to talk about hearing things on a really in-depth level with people who want to know all about it.
One of the things that I thought about on the drive home today was how it makes me sad to think that many people with implants do not hear as well as me....and I don't think it is because I am a special case. I think they simply can't verbalize how they are hearing with the implant, what they desire to hear with the implant, or maybe they don't even realize they can be assertive in their programming sessions? Maybe I have a language of hearing that is more in-depth because of my vocation allowing me a conversation with my audiologist that some don't have the ability to have? Maybe they get programmed and are happy with what they have, never realizing there is more out there....???? I think what would be helpful for anyone with an implant, who may be your average joe listener to have help them with their programming sessions is a questionnaire, even a vocabulary list to help them get the most out of their listening experience.... maybe a video coaching them through their mapping sessions...??? I just know that I am fortunate, and though my life has led me down some very rugged paths, I always end up in a clearing where I can take a few deep breaths before I go in a new direction. Whenever I get to liking where I am at, a new journey beckons and I am heading off in new directions that are so unexpected that it seems my life is a crazy fictional saga.

changes

This post is going to be a little technical, but hang in there because I will explain it the best I can for normal readers!
I went for an adjustment a little over a week ago. I know it sounds silly, but I always get nervous when I do the word lists (the audiologist plays a tape recording of sentences and single words... I repeat them back)... The words list I did was the hardest I had ever done and there is the shortest pause between the words on purpose. In the end, the results were positive. She said it is a list people 1 year out do, and I did very well on one month post-activation. We went back to her room to do some adjustments and we worked on two things... The first was she had to re-introduce some electrodes we had disabled at the last appointment. Let me explain.... There are 16 channels. The audiologist fine tunes things by going through each channel and having me find a particular volume on each. There were three channels that I had no thresh-hold on, meaning there was no too loud. So, rather than drain the battery, she temporarily disabled those channels. She re-introduced them to me and then making that small change, I had to go back through each channel and check the volume again, because one change is always very significant. In the end she introduced two of three. I have to say, it really altered the overall pitch of what I was hearing. Everything sounded much lower in pitch. As a result I was talking very high.
The other change she made was I was getting sound from two sources, my processor and my t-mic. She was told from the company (AB) that all of my sound should come from my t-mic.
Now, I know from previous sessions that sometimes even though things sound overwhelming and strange at first, you just have to be patient and give it a try. At one week out, I was still pretty frustrated by what I was hearing. I just couldn't get used to it. Because everything sounded lower, nothing sounded "right." Also, I couldn't just focus on my right implant, because it is like food getting stuck in-between your teeth, that is all you can focus on.
Now, just the last few days, I am getting accustomed to the change. I can still tell you that I prefer my previous program.
I go this Thursday to do some music perception tests with my audiologist and a rep. from AB. I am looking forward to it. Although I still feel kind of nervous, like I should be studying for this test or something!
I had problems this week with vertigo. It was what I would describe as manageable, but I am exhausted. I am no scientist, but because of recent vertigo attacks, Dr. Weber said that it sounds like I could have Meniere's. I had read once that the onset of symptoms could be delayed... though rare. I really think my issues have to do with female issues. I think that when I am retaining water (PMS) I have the vertigo issues. It is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. Every night I would lay down and then get up thinking I was going to throw-up. I am going to have to speak with my audiologist and doctor about going on a diuretic. I cannot work full-time and tend to my family when I felt the way I did last week. I would lose my balance walking, couldn't bend over... and still had to function and be productive! This has consistently happened monthly since December, with two full-blown vertigo spells and two relatively bad spells.

If you have any questions, please ask! I know this post was technical, but I want you to understand what this experience is like... either post them in the comments section or email me!
Other than that... I am looking forward to Thursday! (music testing)

near-deaf experience

A play on words, but not emotions...
When you are on the other side of a tragic event, the side where you can see the light at the end of the tunnel and you feel "okay," you can make a choice, to have grown and changed from the experience or still be the thick-headed light-weight you were before it. I can tell you I hope I am the first.
How can you go from being what you were before when everything in your whole life looks and feels different? Easy, it is comfortable... it is normal... it is the easier choice.
I have a constant reminder of my blessings. I take off my implants and settle into that uncomfortable silence every night. In the morning, I add vibrancy to my muted world when I put them back on again. My near-deaf experience is something I live everyday. When I feel frustrated and lazy, I can usually rally myself pretty quickly by slipping off an implant. Or the magnet will slip off as I brush my hair, and I feel like... who turned the lights off?.... So when someone asks me how I am, I should respond..amazing, blessed... but I often what I do say is...it is great...but it will never be like normal hearing.
Not that it isn't true, it is definitely true. I just wonder why I need to tag that on? Do I feel some kind of need to remind them of their blessings? It definitely is not a conscience thing... maybe it is some kind of weird repressed anger I don't even understand or feel? As ordinary as I look and feel, I realize that my life has been anything but...
So, where am I today? In a really good place. Two is much better than one. The question in the back of my mind is ... why one? Why do people get one? Isn't the research conclusive that people can function much more independently with two? I can slip off one now and say... Oh my! The difference is pretty dramatic. I am taking strides everyday to improve my newly implanted side... I can speak on the phone on both sides now, though I still favor and may always favor my right side. I can hear so much that if I wrote a list of all of the things I hear now, that couldn't hear before you would be amazed. My husband's favorite is the awful light jazz they play on the weather channel during the eight day. I definitely couldn't hear anything background like that before, but now I can once again do a little dance of mockery my husband and I used to do/do again when we hear it.
I have some pretty cool things on the horizon. I know that the amount of musicians that are implanted bilaterally like myself are probably a small handful. I am excited that I will be traveling to Seattle in June to participate in a music perception study at the University of Washington. I will also be doing some similar testing through the Cleveland Clinic.
Probably the biggest change is what I am hearing and responding to at school. I have found myself getting pretty wound up and critical of my choir. What a gift! I can tear up every time I do something in all essence I shouldn't be able to do. In what universe does a instrumentalist end up teaching choir, thrive, lose their hearing, still thrive, get implanted and continue to do something that most people with normal hearing couldn't do? Like seriously, who am I?

the start of 1 vs. 2

The trip to NYC was great! What a neat city. Our trip was even better this time around, and my experience as a CI user as opposed to using hearing aids, was 100% different. The last time we went on the trip, I was very, very dependent on my f.m. system. There is so much noise in the city and on a bus, walking the city streets, in noisy restaurants... I was deafened by the noise last time with hearing aids. I remember loving the city, but not following much and the only way I could participate was through the f.m. system. I followed the shows and enjoyed the music as much as was possible the first time, but so much of the words (especially sung) were hard to follow and little jokes in the show the first time were often over my head. I would laugh when others laughed, but not even know what was funny!
This time... I would say... I felt independent. I conversed easily with our tour guide on the bus and even in noisy restaurants, I could talk on the bus... without an f.m. system. I got probably 95% of the shows, Phantom of the Opera would be a little nutty when 3 singers are all singing their own song at the same time (which happens several times in that show), and honestly a hearing person wouldn't catch it all... What was thrilling for me, is I could even pick out the violin and the flute in the pit of that show. Our second show was hairspray. What a show! I missed very, very little... since I had only been activated less than a week in NYC with my second implant, if I would have taken out the new one for the shows, I probably would have gotten it all, because the new one hadn't been tweaked and it was pretty muddy then.
The day after we returned from NYC, I had a very productive session with my audiologist. I knew what things I needed improved and testing confirmed that. By the end of the session, I was hearing so, so much better.
I have my work cut out for me.. and even have homework to do! But, this week is my Jr. high production of Annie and I had parent teacher conferences, so I was not able to just work on my left (newly implanted) side.
In the coming week, I am going to wear only my new implant at home and Adam and I are going to do some work with pitch with each side and both.
It is hard to describe now the experience of one versus two. Is it better? Yes! Remember it has been just 2 weeks since my activation and 5 weeks since surgery! My dad asked me yesterday if the left is caught up with the right. NO!!!!! I have a lot of work to do! My speech perception will hopefully keep increasing and I pray I can get the left caught up with work and TIME.... What makes it so hard to describe it all is that I don't know how much I am genuinely hearing and how much I make up in my head from my auditory memory. It sounds crazy, but here is a prime example... In the mornings, I wake up early to have some time to myself. I watch the news... Sometimes I hear their voices even though I am only reading the closed captioning. I will forget I am just reading it, and my mind creates those blanks.... I think a lot of my experience as a CI user is so rich because of that strong auditory memory. For example... I know which pitches I can match or come close to matching while singing and if I play the G above middle C and try to sing that pitch, I just cannot get my inner voice around that... I know before I do it, I can't match it... Regardless of some frustrations for me musically, I have noted a huge change with the second, but I will save that for another post!
I also want to describe teaching with one versus two, but that will certainly be its own lengthy entry too! For now, I am just trying to be patient and also trying to enjoy the experience too. I want to be able to keep an accurate account of the changes for myself and for you! All of that initial overwhelmed feeling is gone, I feel blessed.

heading to the big city!

I am not overwhelmed anymore. I'll tell you that first 24 hrs. was intense. It was a lot like that time period after I first lost my hearing 4 years ago and went unaided for 6 weeks. The day I got my hearing aid (the second one followed a week later) I was actually afraid because things seemed so loud and there was so much I heard that I was sad because I realized how disabled I had been... well, pretty much the same feelings.
When I have in my right implant only, things seem dull. I am shocked at how much vibrancy the left implant adds to my hearing spectrum. And when I have on just my left implant, I realize how much "mapping" we need to do to get that side sounding "good" to me. But the process isn't a quick one. That is part of what makes it hard. You forget all of the hard work and time it took to get where I am at with the right side. I know that when I hit the 6 month mark with the right side, there was a significant change to what I heard and the 4 day mark! It is slightly different I am sure being bilateral, but there will be progress and I can't expect it to be lickety split.
That time lapse I tried to describe in my last post, is not as noticeable. I liken it to that surround sound that we as normal hearing people are used to. I am not used to being implanted on both sides. So that information coming at me from both sides was very tough that first day. When the audiologists explained to me on activation day that it was a normal sensation it was part of being bilateral and my brain would get it right for me, I was able to understand it (make sense of the weird sounding stuff I was getting), and it has gotten better.
The day after activation I had a church service. (Good Friday) I was so confused as to why my pastor sounded muddy to me. I struggled that night. Again, that is where this process is more frustrating than the first implant, because you don't want to have backwards motion, but I am just trying to be patient (again I can't expect to have it activated and hear as well with it as I do with the one I have had for 8 months..there is an orientation process). Now, yesterday at church... I really didn't struggle at all. So even 2 additional days made a huge difference for me. I am also ready to turn it up to the next program. My audiologist gave me 2 programs in increasing strength to acclimate myself to as the week goes on.
I know this all sounds technical and I am sorry if I have lost any of you. If you have any questions, just email me!
This week is going to be a huge test for me... I am taking the show choir to NYC. We leave late tonight/Tuesday morning. I will be anxious to tell you how the city sounds to me this time as opposed to last time and how the Broadway shows sound. Last time I was very reliant on those around me, because anyone who has been in NYC or has spent any amount of time around teenagers can tell you that both are noisy. I want to be able to be more independent in the city this time. I want to enjoy the richness of the sounds.
I feel like I am doing great. I have to be patient and I also want to enjoy the process not just muddle through it.
I think about the times before all of this started, the reflection is a part of moving on for me. I have grown so much. Going through a freakish thing will do that to you (hopefully anyhow). I just feel it is sad how we all expect certain things, like to be able to hear and taste and see and smell. We figure we deserve that and we don't think about it. We aren't grateful for something we think we all should get. I can write and think of ways to describe to you what it is like to go from being a normal hearing person who is a musician to a deaf person, but you will never understand it fully. I'm glad, believe me... but I like to believe that I can appreciate everything a lot more richly than I used to, and that is a gift in this nightmare.

bausch is a "bionic bilateral babe"

I couldn't resist the title. A friend of mine at Advanced Bionics, said I could join the ranks of bionic bilateral babes... so here I am!
I was afraid to be excited about today's appointment. I didn't know if I had healed enough for the activation and I didn't want to feel that let down again.
First I met with Dr. Weber. Who said the incision looked good. I knew that would be a green light for the activation!
It is hard to describe it all... It wasn't like the first activation for me, because I knew what I was listening for... and we had started the process last week.
At first the audiologist slowly increases the stimulation (through the electric impulses, it is a pulse rate thing but I am not smart enough to give you a better explanation)... you let the audiologist know when you start to hear something... At first it sounded like someone was talking with a heavy glass cup to their face. It does sound mechanical, but truly this time that only lasted minutes before I started making that connection to what I was hearing. By the time I left the appointment that sensation was gone (both the weird cup thing and the robo-voice). When one person was talking, it was easy listening so to speak, but in my appointment was my audiologist, a co-worker of hers as well as an intern, and my mom and cousin. When the conversation picked up to a quick group dialogue, I became a bit overwhelmed and began experiencing some of the sensations of being bilateral. It almost felt like a timing delay between the ears, but it is was/is so quick that, that isn't even a great explanation. Suddenly I was hearing not only a lot more, but bilateral. I was overwhelmed. It wasn't/isn't an awful feeling but it is new and different and the volume in my life has been turned up basically 50%. I am involving new pathways in my brain and now my brain has to make the connection between the two implants and get it all into sync for me.
I have high expectations for myself. I feel like this second implant was a tremendous gift and blessing in my life. I want to work very hard to hear to my full potential. I am willing to put in the work, because I have too much at stake. I live in a hearing world, a musical world and I want to be a part of it to the fullest extent that my body will allow me.
I am hopeful, ready to work and definitely overwhelmed. I thought I would feel emotional today and I think I was just still on "guard mode" protecting myself in case things didn't go well today to relax and allow myself to enjoy it. I also carry this sense that I need to do well because too many people have helped me get this far and I can't let anyone down... from my family to my students and their tremendous patience to the staff at the Cleveland Clinic and the people at advanced bionics. I want to absolutely do this for me, because this is a second chance, a hope I didn't expect to have, but I want to do it because it takes a village to make a bilateral babe!

set back

Today was to be my big day, but it wasn't so...
When I arrived today for my appointment, my audiologist got started with me right away because the doctor was busy. Things were going awesome actually, when the doctor stepped in. She looked at it and said... yeah this looks pretty good... I asked her if she could snip off the stitches, so she stepped out to get what she needed. When she came back and started to snip, she said... your incision is open in two spots. She prescribed two antibiotics and cultured my head (that hurt). She and my audiologist agreed it wouldn't be a good idea to fit me with my processor when it would be sitting heavily against my incision which is not healed properly.
I cried. I was very disappointed. I still am.
We had just arrived to the part in the activation where I was really hearing pretty well with the implant. But I am also trying to gain some healthy perspective too.
1) If I hadn't asked to have my stitches removed, I may have had a horrible infection on my hands, because at first glance she thought it looked good.
2) I have one week to wait and though it seems like eternity to me at this point, I have been without my hearing for almost 4 yrs. What is one more week?
3) I have a busy couple days ahead... I know God is in control not me. Maybe this was awful timing, I am going back to school in the morning, but as it will be... I will be just starting my spring break and will have some time to get adjusted. Maybe it would have been too much and God knew that and He was saving me some grief? Also, in a crazy twist...
4) When we went downstairs, my mom, as a good mother would... insisted that Adam get my prescription filled then and there. Over walks a dear old friend of mine from high school and beyond. She now works in human resources at Hillcrest Hospital where we were. She has had a rough week, but as it turns out, when mom and I go next week, we will meet her for lunch.

I have to believe that I will heal over this week and can look forward to an exciting day next Thursday. Sorry to not have happier news. Keep me in your thoughts, I am in need of some patience.

cautiously expectant

I have a greater sense of peace about this activation. For my first activation I felt like a little girl on Christmas morning... There was eagerness and excitement. I would be lying to downplay my emotions, but I since I know what to expect and the strides I have made as a listener with my first implant, I am what I like to describe as cautiously expectant.

My first experience set the bar pretty high. I keep reminding myself that no two ears are alike, and that my second implant may never work as effectively for me as the first... with all of the disappointments associated with my hearing and the ups and downs, I just have this irrational fear that something else will go wrong. I had it all worked out in my mind and grief over my sudden loss of hearing that I had to accept things as they were. Now, I know that my life is easier with an implant and with two... a now foreign emotion stirs in me again... hope. It is a lot to take in, what has happened and what may be.

... I know that my hearing was at the profound mark after the slip in July days before my first was activated. I couldn't make sense of anything with just my hearing aid anymore because I had grown so used to the information I was receiving with my implant. Even though I am still lost without the sounds of life when I have my equipment off, I know no matter how I do with this second implant, it will be an improvement.

... I know that I find it very difficult to balance the mom, wife, teacher hats because of the extremely high expectations I set for myself, and that is before you add in the hurdle of a devastating hearing loss. I won't lie or sugarcoat. Before my implant life was frustrating and difficult in everywhere and in everything. I often felt tense and lonely. The implant has given me back so much. I feel social and even giddy sometimes when I'm with a small group of friends. I don't feel left out of the conversations, or physically exhausted from the lip-reading and overcompensating and let's face it... guess work. I would guess what someone was saying when I couldn't hear them before. So with those strides, it is hard not to have very high expectations going into this second activation.
So as I prepare for this exciting and hopeful time, I will do what I have learned to do in times of crisis, joy and peace. I will pray. I will read scripture and I will hope that the Lord knows the intimate balance of our human hope and faith. I put all of my trust in him just as my 18 mo. old daughter puts in me as she holds my hand and we walk down the steps. I am too fragile to do it alone. I am human. I know hurt and pain and love and peace. I don't want to walk in this life without my Father's hand to steady me. I pray the Lord knows the utter trust I place in Him.


a little song that plays in my head when I need to encourage myself to be strong (my own words and tune)

You give me everything I need,
everything I need...
And though I've fallen from your hands,
Lord I reach for you again... Because I'm Learnin' to BELIEVE

baby head-butting incident

I had an awful incident Monday night...

I had sworn off the pain medicine because it just made me feel groggy. I had been doing great all weekend and had a nice day on Monday. Adam and I had taken the kids to bed and I grabbed for Mimi, who didn't want to be grabbed, and as I drew her towards my lap she reared back and head butted me right on my newly implanted side! I immediately put pressure on it thinking it had split open and screamed like I was coming down a large hill on a roller coaster. I actually saw stars!!
Mimi was crying, Addison had plugged his ears and Adam, who had run downstairs to get Mimi's pacifier, came running looking bewildered. We decided the site looked good and was not disturbed, got the kids to bed... and I held a bag of frozen peas on my ear. Needless to say, I cried for nearly and hour, the pain made me sick to my stomach and I am quite sure it is bruised...
Sadly, we called the doctor for a different pain medicine because it is still pretty tender in light of the head butting incident. So Tuesday was a rough day for me pain wise... just when I was starting to feel better! Yesterday I got a new pain med. and took one at bedtime and this morning I am truly feeling pretty good. I am definitely a bit stir crazy and feel like I am going to drive myself to the library this morning, anywhere to get myself out and motivated... I have not driven yet, and I am pretty sure a long highway trip wouldn't be the brightest idea, but I am feeling pretty good and need out!

silence

When I think of silence, I think of being a child playing in the snow. At mom and dad's when I was growing up the area was fairly remote. On a cold winter's day I would love to go outside and it seemed the only thing you could hear was the snow crunching under your feet.

Our lives are filled with noise. Even inhaling and exhaling, the punch of computer keys, car noise, a dog lapping from the water dish....

Now I know what true silence is. All of my residual hearing is gone. Even though I had very, very little... I could hear the sparkle of water tumble from the shower, the blow dryer, my baby without my hearing aid... now it is truly quiet. It is the most surreal thing you can imagine because for 29 years I lived with sound. Then with a very reduced sound. Now, without my one processor in, there is absolute silence. I experience something most of you reading this will never experience. There will always be your breath, the sound of forced air, something....

I want to tell you that I am totally okay with it, but it is eerie. When my life has been built with crescendos and diminuendos and trills and runs total silence is something that makes my stomach hurt.

Its Alive!

It is truly me... I have to say it has been a restful but uncomfortable week. I had hoped to be off the pain medicine and just using ibuprofen now, because I hate that cloudy pain meds feeling.... but that isn't happening quite yet. =-(
Adam gave a great update about the surgery. The week has been a bit of a blur. The good news from me is that I feel pretty imbalance and not too sick to my stomach. That was definitely my biggest fear going into surgery. With the two bouts of vertigo I had (one in December and one in January) I was so fearful of being like that post-op. I am moving around just fine, I even made a batch of brownies yesterday.
The placement of this implant feels different to me, more towards my face, though mom assures me that is swelling... silly things like chewing are bothering me. Also my ear has been hot and itchy and a bit swollen...(don't worry, I am taking antibiotics, so I am pretty sure it isn't infected)...
I am just grateful to be through surgery and I have the roughest days behind me. But more importantly I am thankful for my support and love from my friends, family and students.
My mom was such a comfort to me. She makes these amazing creamed eggs on toast, bought me a recliner to recover in, did laundry... just made me feel taken care of. There is nothing like having mom around. My friends Amanda and Stacey made my family meals, and they are both so busy, it is a gesture they didn't have to do, but was appreciated deeply. Stacey is also subbing for me during my sick time and she is so concerned about doing a good job, that it touches my heart. Julie, babysat me on Adam's first day back to work. It was so nice to have a buddy around. We chatted and she made me potato soup. She also did the most amazing thing by throwing Addison a birthday party (my surgery day was his actual birthday). I know a lot of my friends and students have said prayers for me. That is all I could ask for. I have spent some of my recovery time in prayer for those around me and for my own recovery. I try to make it part of my daily routine(always not just now) to spend time in devotion, reading the Bible and praying. It is so difficult for me to slow down and relax, and it is very hard for me to seek help from my friends. When you are in a situation like I am, where you have had surgery and have two small children, you have to get over that pretty quickly. You know what is the hardest part in all of this for me? Slowing down. Trying not to keep up with the housework, trying not to bend over or strain.... The pain, that I can deal with, the total loss of any residual hearing is eerie at times... I knew that would be a struggle for me, but sadly it is slowing down that is my struggle. I certainly don't even live life in the fast lane! I am a chubby, deaf Christian wife and mom. I teach music and I love to cook and clean. So, I am armed with some books from my pastor's wife, some movies I have been meaning to watch but haven't "had time" and I hope to not just bide my time, but enjoy the slowing down and allow myself to heal so when activation day comes, I am ready!!!!!

2nd Implant Update

Part II

Hello, all! This is Adam your friendly neighborhood blogger filling in for Liz. I call this part two because I neglected to save everything I typed in the first update. So, here we go again,

First my apologies to those looking for an update yesterday. By the time we got home, kids got home, everyone got settled, etc. I was wiped out. I turned in at 9:15! So here is the update on Liz's second surgery - better late than never, eh?

Our day started @ 5am so we could be to the Cleveland Clinic Beachwood hospital by 6:30. Liz's surgery was scheduled for 7:30 but by the time she went back it was a little after 8am. Liz's mom, Joan, waited with me and our brother-in-law Jeff showed up and stayed for a bit before heading to his office. Liz's surgery lasted about 2 1/2 hours and we were relieved to see Dr. Weber and hear his update that she did well and the CI was functioning as it should. For those who don't know once the implant is implanted the doctor tests the electrodes to be sure that everything is okay - and it was! Joan and I went back to see Liz and she was having some difficulty coming to out of the anesthesia. I think she was disoriented because her right ear CI was not attached so she could not hear anything. Once I got it attached she seemed to settle a bit but was experiencing some discomfort. The nurse gave her some pain meds and she slept most of the afternoon away. That gave me time to run around and get her prescriptions filled and to have a quick bite of lunch. When all was said and done, we ended up leaving the hospital a little after 3pm and arrived home at about 5pm.

Next on the agenda is a follow-up with Dr. Knott on March 12th and Joyce Crawford the same day for the activation. Liz goes back on the 20th for her one week activation appointment and then it is off to New York City! Every other year Liz takes her show choir and section leaders to see the sites and a couple of shows. This time we are taking in Phantom of the Opera and Hairspray. I am certain that she will have great updates on how these shows sound now that she is the bi-lateral bionic woman!

Well, I guess that is all from here now. Lastly, I know that I speak for Liz when I say a big THANK YOU to everyone who helped us over the past few days. Whether you sent well wishes and prayers, helped with the various parties for Addison's birthday, helped watch the kids, brought over meals, etc. we are truly blessed to have a great network of friends and family. We appreciate all that you have done for us and hope to return the favors some day. Chat with you all later!

surgery scheduled

February 25th is the big day. I am such a busy mom and teacher that I haven't allowed myself a lot of time to think it over and let it sink in. In a little over two weeks my life is about to change again. I will be having surgery to receive my second cochlear implant.
Here are my thoughts....
I am grateful that God has allowed this opportunity for my family, my students and me. I know that I don't give the props to God that I feel in my heart . I also know that I am nowhere close to having my feelings thoroughly sorted about anything that has happened the last three and a half years of my life; but I know that regardless of my hurt and sorrow over being thrust into the life of a severely hearing impaired individual that I feel gladness today.
I am excited to experience the difference from one to two... not only hearing wise, but musically also. There is a definition to music with my implant that was/is not possible with hearing aids.
I feel hopeful about my future. Instead of feeling resigned and constantly exhausted, I have this anticipation stirring in my soul. I feel that determination I used to gush over with. I am rejuvinated in my ideas.

Am I nervous about surgery? Not really. I know what to expect. There are no fears for me. I am very comfortable with this decision.

I can honestly stand back and say... wow...three and a half years ago I woke up nearly deaf. I ached beyond a way that I can capture with my humble words. I was scared I would lose my job and my identity which I had always from my childhood associated with music. I was a musician and I thought my circumstances would make music intangible for me. I felt I was tumbling down a mountain I can only describe as myself. Panic and fear were robbing me of the happy life I had worked for.
But I wasn't willing to go down quietly. I had no idea what I fighter I was! My mom always used to harp on me as a child and teenager for my stubborness and now I know God put that fire in me for good reason. I have said it before, but how I made it through those first months and even the first year is beyond my own logic and yet I lived in it! I sought assistance from the bvr, was told about a wonderful support group (hlaa), and fought for my job with all I had in me. I still to resist the urge to be bitter and hateful towards the administration that was willing to write me off because that was the easiest option. What if I took their advice and gave up? What if I hadn't heard those gentle nudgings from God... Liz, don't quit, I won't let you down.....
What about my brush with fame during my t.v. stardom on the show three wishes? The testament of love those students gave for me I surely never deserved! The blessing of my second child followed. The sorrow of the continued detortiation of my remaining hearing. Just last winter I laid on the bed in the guest bedroom at my in-laws sobbing because I had just gotten used to my hearing loss and had begun to make peace with my misfortune when it dipped again. How did I avoid letting bitterness take root in my life?
Then there was that window of hope. The realization that I could hear better if I could get a cochlear implant.... hope was something I had forgotten about. Of course, implants are a bit of a gamble, but I felt my situation couldn't be more frustrating, so why not try?
Soon I was hearing things I had forgotten about! The rumbling of a train in the distance, the sound of children playing outside on a warm summer day, the echo of fireworks against a distant hill... and suddenly I realized my life was really getting started. It was far from desperation and gloom and doom.
I'll be honest... do I see myself as a teacher here in rural Ohio forever? Maybe. I trust God will put me right where he wants me and for now this is the place. But, I am no fool to the unique quality of the circumstances of my life. If I stay a teacher in Dennison I will minister right here! Teaching each child I meet about the resilience we are all capable of! I will teach them about music, not just the mechanics of it, but the joy of it! I will teach everyone that no one should give up no matter how bleak things can feel and seem. But I dream of writing a book, being a motivational speaker and educator on hearing impairment and cochlear implants.
Right now, I look forward to the months to come. A second implant may plant the seeds of hope deeper into my heart and what springs forth is anyone's guess.

prayers answered

Last Thursday evening, Adam gave me a letter from my insurance company. Upon reading it, I realized our prayers had been answered! My insurance company reversed their decision about denying the second implant, meaning I will be able to go forth with the second implant. I immediately burst into happy tears.
I also reached for the phone and called family and friends to share our happy news.
If the Cleveland Clinic called tomorrow and said "Liz, we can get you in for surgery this week." I would absolutely go for it! Although I still don't have a tremendous amount of confidence in the area of speaking on the phone, I will reach for it now and that says almost everything.

I look forward to this the second time around without the fear of the unknown. It is much like the experience of having a second child. I realize it isn't going to be easy, it is surgery after all. I know that it takes a lot of work to get accustomed to my new hearing circumstances... but now I see the tremendous impact it has had on the quality of my life so I have reason to be excited not fearful.

I am anxious to talk to my bilateral friends and find out how much better there life is with two versus one. My one friend from Advanced Bionics told me that I now join the ranks of "bionics bilateral babes."

It is hard to describe my emotions right now... It is like that final wave of grief is washing over me... I cried the night of the happy news, not just for my excitement, but for all of my experience. I had finally adjusted to the fact that there were things I thought I could never do anymore. Such as talking on the phone, taking part in group conversations, listening without an f.m., understanding the sermon without the loop device, watching t.v. at home without using the loop, enjoying and understanding movies at the theater, being a critical listener of music... there was so much that I just thought I had to accept that they are not a part of my life anymore. When I got my implant, I was enjoying and doing things that I thought were no longer possible. I was deeply hurt by the denial, because being implanted on one side only, I could even taste the possibilities of being bilateral. I was still hopeful, but my experiences the last three years have taught me not to be too optimistic. Now, I realize that the quality of my life is going to improve even more... and it is almost like a foreign subject to me. I had accepted defeat in so many areas and was really o.k. with it. I had really come to terms with it all, and now I am coming to terms that life is going to be better and easier and in a way (as sad as it sounds) it is just weird.
Maybe it is like the widower that loses the love of their life and suddenly finds they can love someone else. After being dependent on others (I was always independent prior to my hearing loss) it is kind of scary that I am going to be able to do it all on my own now. I know it sounds backwards, but when you had just gotten used to life one way, it is hard to imagine there can be more.
For those of you out there thinking my hearing is being restored, it is... but it isn't like it used to be either. But I can tell you that it is a darned good substitute.
In a strange twist, I have experienced two very bad bouts of vertigo in the last month. Full blown room spinning, throwing up, tearful vertigo. When I visited the Cleveland Clinic this week I expected it to be an issue with the implant, perhaps an infection, scar tissue.. I don't know. I wasn't completely surprised, but my Dr. mentioned that he feels it is probably Meniere's Disease. That consequently was the very first diagnosis I received 3 1/2 yrs. ago. I had read at the time I lost my hearing that you can have a delay in the onset of symptoms in Meniere's. My case would be very, very atypical. After all, Meniere's is usually unilateral, not bilateral. Sufferers usually have the dizzyness from the get-go... but as I read about the attacks of vertigo associated with Meniere's I can see this is probably a good diagnosis.
I will be anxious to update my blog with surgery information as I get it. Right now, I am hopeful to have it the week of February 25th (Addison's birthday). This would be great timing as it would come after my High School choir's Gospel Concert, and would allow my activation before I take the show choir to NYC.