prayers answered

Last Thursday evening, Adam gave me a letter from my insurance company. Upon reading it, I realized our prayers had been answered! My insurance company reversed their decision about denying the second implant, meaning I will be able to go forth with the second implant. I immediately burst into happy tears.
I also reached for the phone and called family and friends to share our happy news.
If the Cleveland Clinic called tomorrow and said "Liz, we can get you in for surgery this week." I would absolutely go for it! Although I still don't have a tremendous amount of confidence in the area of speaking on the phone, I will reach for it now and that says almost everything.

I look forward to this the second time around without the fear of the unknown. It is much like the experience of having a second child. I realize it isn't going to be easy, it is surgery after all. I know that it takes a lot of work to get accustomed to my new hearing circumstances... but now I see the tremendous impact it has had on the quality of my life so I have reason to be excited not fearful.

I am anxious to talk to my bilateral friends and find out how much better there life is with two versus one. My one friend from Advanced Bionics told me that I now join the ranks of "bionics bilateral babes."

It is hard to describe my emotions right now... It is like that final wave of grief is washing over me... I cried the night of the happy news, not just for my excitement, but for all of my experience. I had finally adjusted to the fact that there were things I thought I could never do anymore. Such as talking on the phone, taking part in group conversations, listening without an f.m., understanding the sermon without the loop device, watching t.v. at home without using the loop, enjoying and understanding movies at the theater, being a critical listener of music... there was so much that I just thought I had to accept that they are not a part of my life anymore. When I got my implant, I was enjoying and doing things that I thought were no longer possible. I was deeply hurt by the denial, because being implanted on one side only, I could even taste the possibilities of being bilateral. I was still hopeful, but my experiences the last three years have taught me not to be too optimistic. Now, I realize that the quality of my life is going to improve even more... and it is almost like a foreign subject to me. I had accepted defeat in so many areas and was really o.k. with it. I had really come to terms with it all, and now I am coming to terms that life is going to be better and easier and in a way (as sad as it sounds) it is just weird.
Maybe it is like the widower that loses the love of their life and suddenly finds they can love someone else. After being dependent on others (I was always independent prior to my hearing loss) it is kind of scary that I am going to be able to do it all on my own now. I know it sounds backwards, but when you had just gotten used to life one way, it is hard to imagine there can be more.
For those of you out there thinking my hearing is being restored, it is... but it isn't like it used to be either. But I can tell you that it is a darned good substitute.
In a strange twist, I have experienced two very bad bouts of vertigo in the last month. Full blown room spinning, throwing up, tearful vertigo. When I visited the Cleveland Clinic this week I expected it to be an issue with the implant, perhaps an infection, scar tissue.. I don't know. I wasn't completely surprised, but my Dr. mentioned that he feels it is probably Meniere's Disease. That consequently was the very first diagnosis I received 3 1/2 yrs. ago. I had read at the time I lost my hearing that you can have a delay in the onset of symptoms in Meniere's. My case would be very, very atypical. After all, Meniere's is usually unilateral, not bilateral. Sufferers usually have the dizzyness from the get-go... but as I read about the attacks of vertigo associated with Meniere's I can see this is probably a good diagnosis.
I will be anxious to update my blog with surgery information as I get it. Right now, I am hopeful to have it the week of February 25th (Addison's birthday). This would be great timing as it would come after my High School choir's Gospel Concert, and would allow my activation before I take the show choir to NYC.