confidence gained

So the biggest benefit I have gained from the entire cochlear implant experience is confidence. It never occurred to me how much I had lost and how much my friends and family watched out for me. I see them doing and saying things and I wonder, what is the fuss? Then I realize they are just used to being my helpers.
Here is an example. We were up at the Lake last week and my dad was watching the kids swim in the channel... He wanted to go inside so he told the kids they had to get out. I said "Dad, I am right here!" He said "You cannot save them with your implants." I said.. "I can whip them off and jump in there." I find my family asking..."did you hear that?" and I say "yes." Or in situations that used to be difficult for me, they anticipate me not getting by, or missing something... my mom is constantly asking "can you hear that?" When we went to the African Safari the whopping 3 times she kept asking if I could hear things... I don't know if it is because she expects I can't or just wants to know if now I can. A lot of people close to me ask me what things sound like as we are hearing them... Mom wanted to know if rain on the roof of the little trailer we were staying at sounded like rain... and my friend the other day was curious to know if the dog sounded like a dog sounds... The answers are yes! The brain is so amazing. I am astounded by my adaptability. When I hear something and realize what I am hearing, it just sounds normal to me now. So, thunder sounds like thunder, a cat purring sounds like a cat purring, a baby cooing sounds like a baby cooing... the only instances where I can say... stuff sounds different to me is music. I am finding out more and more about the implants and what the boundaries are to understand why I hear things the way I do. But instruments seem to resonate a lot longer (much more noticeable than the regular hearing ear)... I can notice and be distracted by the vibrations on drums, even the piano well after you probably would no longer notice. The timbre of instruments is different too. They lack some of the warmth and richness of the sound the used to have. Of course in music the implants aren't as distinctive in all areas, however I can hear a singer and know if I like their sound or not, if they are pitchy or not... So all of these things lead me to the assumption that no things don't sound like they really sound, but my brain makes the adjustment for the most part.
I have found in my own little tests this summer that even if I am wearing my preferred implant only (the one who is now a year old vs. the one who is just 4 mos. old) I feel a significant decrease in my speech understanding with my children or the t.v. But when I add that second implant, something clicks in my brain and I get so much more. I know I have mentioned it before but the difference in the shape of sound with two is huge. I notice it a great deal with music.
I go back to that feeling when I was activated with my second implant, and I went down to the noisy lobby in the hospital and I could have cried a combination of sadness and happiness. I could not believe the wealth of information I was getting with the second. I whole new world and depth had been rediscovered. I was overwhelmed by the additional noise, but shocked at how much I had been missing with one alone. I was excited and scared all at once.
I have found in my programming I prefer as much information as they will give me... background noise etc... It makes everything feel alive and real to me.
I have lots to do to prepare for school..but I can tell you with confidence that this year will be a huge change for me in a good way. I have a swing in my step again. I feel a part of the world. I am learning how to be a strong independent person all over again....
Some side notes... Adam ended up taking a different job offer. He is excited about the potential there.
The kids are growing like weeds. I can say with confidence Addison is going to be ready to go back to school. He needs the social interaction. I try to fill his days with as much as possible, but he just needs to be around people. He thrives that way.
For now, life is on track... I get to share my music experiences with other CI users at a support group in a few weeks, so I am looking forward to that... I am also looking forward to the school year with a renewed confidence.

to and fro

My latest adventures in hearing loss, as I like to call them, have taken me to Los Angeles again, Las Vegas, and Cleveland.
The week of the fourth, I was in Los Angeles. I had been asked back to do some more testing. Mom and I flew in on a Sunday and we did the silly Tour of the Star's Homes. It was actually neat and they took us up to Hollywood Hills and we had a great view of the Hollywood sign and downtown Los Angeles. Then we drove to Malibu and met my friend, Dana and her husband for dinner. It was a really neat restaurant on the beach. Pretty exhausted, we headed for the hotel. On Monday I did some testing. No silly tricks, just testing. It was pretty straight forward, and it was so nice to see the AB gang again. Tuesday was supposed to be the same, but Aniket ended up sick. My mom kept calling him "the germ" and other silly names. I did tell everyone there that if he got me sick for our side trip to Las Vegas I was definitely sending hate emails. I ended up really enjoying what I got to do instead. I got to sit down with a few people and look at products in the works and give my feedback. I never knew how much I would enjoy doing product analysis... who knew??? In the afternoon I worked on some tcoil testing, which I didn't mind at all.
Wednesday was my big day. I was giving a presentation of my story to the employees at both of the AB campuses and one time for new hires. I had worked pretty hard on my presentation, and some of my former students put together an amazing video as part of my story. I had no idea how emotional it would be to say some of those feelings and experiences out loud for people who really care and are invested in making the product. No better audience I suppose.
So let's say that stress is a trigger for my vertigo and somehow I was internalizing some weird nervousness for speaking. I didn't feel nervous, but my body said otherwise... I ended up with vertigo the night before my presentation and I wasn't sure if I would be able to do it. In the morning I decided to suck it up and get dressed. By the time I got there the vertigo was much better. The presentations were well received and I think it did me good to say a lot of that stuff out loud. I met a lot of neat people post speeches.. and everyone loved the video the kids did. After that day, I needed to kick back and finally felt like I could.
Thursday of that week we drove to Vegas (about 4 + hrs.)... We had a nice time in Vegas, ate way too much, including a very silly story about Gelato at Caesar's Palace that is probably funnier in person. Our flight back was good and I was tearful and missing my kids on the plane home. All in all, a great trip. I would go back in a minute. I feel like being a willing participant in the testing, if that makes a difference in the development of implants in some small way, then I could never say no to any opportunity to do so.
This week I had the chance to be a part of a panel at Rainbow Babies and Childrens in Cleveland talking about my bilateral experience. Again, it was neat to see my AB friends and my audiologist, they are all wonderful, dedicated people who have made a difference in my life.... I felt like this speech unexpectedly gave me the chance to not only share my experience with people who may be considering another implant for themselves or children, but I got to encourage some people who have two but may not be having as positive of an experience as I am.
Now, I get to relax for the most part for the rest of the summer, nothing gut-wrenching...
Next week is Vacation Bible School at my church and Adam will be leading the games and I will be teaching 3rd/4th grade. I realize this may be the chance to really share my faith with impressionable little people, so I am really pumped about it.
Today is actually our tenth wedding anniversary... we can celebrate because Adam accepted a job offer this week. It is not at all what we had in mind, but see it as an opportunity to make money and support our family. In the economy, we are happy for him to have an offer and grateful.
Tomorrow is little Mimi's birthday! So, for now... we seem to be headed down a smoother road for the time being.