the real back to school take two...

Three years ago the first days of school for me were probably the scariest days of my life. I couldn't sleep, doubt flooded my thoughts... Looking back, it is only by God's grace I was able to teach during that time. I just cannot understand how else I got through that difficult time unless I give credit where credit is due. How else could I have done it? How did I persevere? I ask myself that a lot now. What I accomplished defies my own logic, yet I know it to be true.

Three years later, I am a very different person than that doubtful woman. School started for teachers on Monday. The whole day I marveled at how well I could not only hear, but understand what was being said. I felt a part of the listening crowd for the first time in several years... it was good to feel that. I had been very lonely and detached from the very world I was living in. As the new superintendent spoke, I was not only feeling quite good about our new leadership, but I couldn't contain my happiness about hearing him. I heard more with my implant than I did with my aids and my f.m. system. Maybe it wasn't that I heard more, but I certainly understood more probably 95%... and lets face it, no one else catches 100% anyhow!

After several presentations we broke for our own building meetings. That afternoon I listened for nearly three hours at our staff meeting, and I understood. There was no amplification... that was a big hurdle for me. I was tired that night, I was ready to come home and play with the kids, but by 8... I gave myself a well-deserved break and took off my implant and read a good book.

I am just amazed with the improvement... Tuesday was a work day and our open house. We also took Addi to his open house. I was able to be a participant without a lot of stress and strain.
Yesterday the music department met and I did well again.

Today marked the big test, back to school with students. I will be honest. I did super, maybe better than that! As I dig deeper and put forth more effort, the results are well worth it. I was shocked after school, after coming home, I was heading upstairs to change into comfy clothes and I heard a train down the road. It sounded loud enough to me to be coming through my front door. Can you imagine? Me, hearing a train inside my brick house a half mile from the tracks??? Do you know what else I heard? As I was down in my room waiting for my Jr. high students, I heard them chatting up in the hall some 50 feet away and a flight of steps. It just felt good to be back in a way it hasn't felt for 3 yrs. I was relaxed, I wasn't constantly feeling like I was straining. It truly is a miracle to me.

I wish I could properly express that. Because I just can't seem to do it the justice it deserves. I truly felt broken every day the past three years. I was constantly questioning myself and becoming a bigger workaholic than I already am to try to compensate for what I feared I was lacking. All the while I would pray and ask God time and time again, are you sure this is where you want me? He must have chuckled to hear that same question over and over, but I felt it every day.. the self-doubt that is. Then, God would reassure me I certainly was right where he wanted me. Within months of nearly losing my job, I received teacher of the year... Last year when my hearing started to decline again I really thought... after all of the hard work, I am going to have to quit teaching....
Then I revisited the option of an implant and here I am today. I have not been totally liberated from hearing loss and the struggles one has associated with it. I know I have limitations, but I used to feel imprisoned by my hearing loss. A self-contained prison... I had major limitations and I could only watch much of what happened around me sadly contemplating all I was missing out on. As the three years wore on, I felt myself slowly withdrawing with so many things I loved, because I simply could not participate in them. My social life took a huge toll and so did my spirit.
I wish more people I loved would know what it is to totally have to lean on God. In my struggles, I had no other option. I waited with patience and persevered only because my faith told me HE would see me through or help me realize my beloved career and personal love of music was outside my grasp. I felt God as close through the struggles as I do with my current joys. I look forward to updating you. My expectations are realistic, what is a miracle to me, may simply be a small improvement to you, but I am so much more fulfilled, and confident. God bless.