Giving thanks

The first thing I need to update you on is the status of my appeal.... I am finding it to be such a frustrating thing that is wearing on my patience on the inside, though hopefully no one would ever notice on the outside...
We submitted my left ear in August or September(I can't remember specifics right now, sorry), it came back as a denial... the reason is that I have a fully functioning left ear implant. I guess someone forgot to tell the insurance companies that we have 2 ears... would they deny two prosthetic legs?? I doubt it, but you get my point! So we got hooked up with the Let Them Hear Now Foundation, who is handling my appeal, a non-profit organization out of California, though my advocate is a law student in Ohio at OSU.... Thursday we got a letter from my insurance company that I thought was bad news, but my advocate said it is what we needed to now plan our strategy of appeal. The process is just very lengthy and my biggest frustration is that if we can get the second implant approved, we are looking at the first of the year and I was hoping for insurance coverage purposes($), it would be this calendar year. We are chipping away slowly at our responsibility of insurance costs... So, I am trying to stay patient and positive and hoping my statute of limitations does not run out.

Now the good news... I am hearing so much more. I wouldn't know where to start with specifics... I was inside last night and Adam was in our music room (separate building) playing his drums and I could hear it. I was at the school play the other day and the students weren't mic'd, yet I didn't feel I missed a beat. I have not used the loop in our house to assist me with the t.v., I haven't used my f.m., and last week we were at church and I went to slide the loop around my neck and I realized I didn't need it.

I think in our minds when bad things happen and we get to the point where we have accepted it as our lot in life, you just can't imagine you will ever have better. When I got my implant, I was floored at what I could hear... when I got the changes from my audiologist after my California trip, I was again floored by what I could hear additionally. I had gotten used to feeling left out in group settings, frustrated at church, struggling at work. I had become accustomed to feeling exhausted all of the time from straining to hear, to feeling my nerves were fried... and now I kind of feel whole again. It isn't "normal" hearing by any means. If someone where to ask how it compared to "normal" hearing I really couldn't even say... but what the implant has allowed me to feel is something I didn't think I would ever have again. I wonder if the runner who loses a leg and in time can run with a prosthetic feels the way I do? To best describe who I was pre-hearing loss was a confident, independent; a social young lady. I was full of life, charismatic and a definite workaholic. Post hearing loss, I became withdrawn, dependent upon everyone around me for social inclusion and even assisting with my children, job, and phone use. I had become resigned to the fact that I could not function in groups and found ways to cope with that.... I would focus on watching the party, taking comfort in watching the kids play... I would engage in one on one conversation with the aid of an f.m. system and I would hope someone would be patient enough to repeat things to me that were funny or important. Now, I feel that vibrancy coming back into my life. I feel myself wanting to chat with people even if it is a noisy situation that will provide its own challenges. I can watch t.v. without it being a lot of hearing work (the delay of what I was hearing w/ the loop and the need to clarify what I thought I heard with the help of captioning was exhausting). I enjoy my job again. It is tough still and I ache to sing with them, but it is so neat to love it again. To be able to share in the fellowship of music rather than just being a vehicle of teaching it to them and not being able to enjoy it myself....

I think that God pushes us to learn things in our struggles that our minds could not have been open to prior to them. For me, to depend upon others no matter what the situation was always hard. When I couldn't hear well, there was just no other choice. I had to accept the help, ask for the help or feel lost. I realize it was a gift for me to learn to be able to accept help. It was humbling and it taught me that I can't do everything for myself.

When I sit down at Thanksgiving dinner this year. My heart will brim over with all that I have learned and all of my many blessings. I feel I have a new life now and I can never thank God enough for that. The other day Addison, my five year old son, said to me... How did God know to have yours and dad's souls kiss? I could have fallen over with his wisdom at five. But I smiled and sent a prayer up at that moment for the joy of motherhood and the fact that I could hear his beautiful question.