maybe we should sweat the small stuff

I haven't updated the blog for some time because I wanted to give myself the opportunity to see what differences this year would bring.
I can say with confidence that I am hearing better than I have in four years. I knew that I was hearing significantly better over the summer. My confidence has been building in so many small ways (they say not to sweat the small stuff, but the small things can also mean everything can't they?) And this week I have astounded myself.
What I am hearing musically is so significantly different than with just one implant and not even comparable to severe hearing loss with hearing aids. Sometimes as I am writing and trying to convey my feelings I realize that some of the readers out there may feel sorry for me, and I am past that stuff now... so take what I say with the the insight into my heart that it is intended with. I just want you to understand as best as I can put into words what I am hearing and for me, this journey is and will always be an emotional one.
People want to know how I have taught music through the difficult hearing times and I can tell you that there three reasons I have been able to do what I have done 1) Determination 2) God 3) Instincts.
The first year was sheer determination. I didn't want to give up teaching, couldn't and wouldn't. Put those feelings in the heart of a stubborn woman and it is a wicked combinations of guts and fearlessness. The second year, I felt I had to prove I was worth all of the fuss. For those who stuck up for me through the difficult times and because I needed to know I could. The the third year into hearing loss is when the hearing dipped again. This time I looked into the implants and thus we get to the blog.
Sometimes I can't explain it all... it was God.
But through the last three years I have relied heavily on instincts... when did I anticipate the kids would make musical mistakes, when did stuff feel like it wasn't "right" musically, looking at their reaction, truly lots and lots of good gut instincts. When I had my first implant my life was changed for the better... it was all so much easier. I felt confident again and so I anticipated that second implant with joy! There is an eight month difference between the first and second... (the second activation was at the end of March)....
Last year it was the end of the school year, a busy time and there was tweaking to be done with an audiologist when the process began with my second implant. By May things were starting to sound pretty good, but the school year had come to a close. The summer was busy, but just living the daily life... I noticed positive changes in my hearing.
I was excited for the school year to start. And I'll tell you, it is hard for me to not allow myself time to feel disappointed. Sometimes I struggle in the afternoon. I am tired, I usually leave the house at 7 for a before school rehearsal or meeting. By 1:30 I am in need of about an hour break, that never comes. I have to work very hard in the afternoon to not allow myself to get frustrated when a student may have to repeat something. I am deaf. I have two implants and I still lead an extraordinary life. But I struggle sometimes. I am so hard on myself.... so I try to count my blessings not my worries put on a brave face and keep trying.
So... what am I hearing, what is so extraordinary?? I feel like each day I'm hearing new stuff! And maybe my friends at AB would concur (on a scientific level)? I am hearing very accurately musical mistakes. Several times in the last two weeks, I have stopped and said... you are singing too high here... what are you doing there? I hear the quality of soloists, and if they are pitchy and if they are flat or sharp and exactly when they go off pitch (if they were ever on). My brain is making pathways to understand once again not just the complexity of harmony... two voices at once (which was at one point inaccessible to me) I can now hear the sound the two notes make together. I hear the piano part and the choir and each individually and combined.. which is a pretty intense listening thing.. to hear each and how they work together, that is something! I feel sometimes confident and strong and vibrant... as if I am resurrecting a me I thought was gone for good. And sometimes I feel small and lonely when the afternoon becomes a struggle because my brain is tired and I've heard enough. I guess I haven't figured out how to merge the two me's yet. How can I be such a contradiction of my own self? So strong and so alone? I don't know how it all works yet.
I am still thoroughly amazed by how each implant allows me to hear such different sounds. Each side is so unique in the information that it provides me with. One so clear and thin, one so vibrant and blurry. Why is the side that allows me such vibrancy in sound, such depth the one that I struggle with speech perception and vice versa?
I feel blessed that I have been given some more opportunities to share my experience with others. I will be speaking with the OCMEA group at Muskingum college at the end of October. In December I will share my story with a CI group in Wayne/Holmes county.
My parting thoughts are... Don't underestimate the small stuff. It is often the smallest thing in our lives that give us that flicker of hope needed to carry on.