cautiously expectant

I have a greater sense of peace about this activation. For my first activation I felt like a little girl on Christmas morning... There was eagerness and excitement. I would be lying to downplay my emotions, but I since I know what to expect and the strides I have made as a listener with my first implant, I am what I like to describe as cautiously expectant.

My first experience set the bar pretty high. I keep reminding myself that no two ears are alike, and that my second implant may never work as effectively for me as the first... with all of the disappointments associated with my hearing and the ups and downs, I just have this irrational fear that something else will go wrong. I had it all worked out in my mind and grief over my sudden loss of hearing that I had to accept things as they were. Now, I know that my life is easier with an implant and with two... a now foreign emotion stirs in me again... hope. It is a lot to take in, what has happened and what may be.

... I know that my hearing was at the profound mark after the slip in July days before my first was activated. I couldn't make sense of anything with just my hearing aid anymore because I had grown so used to the information I was receiving with my implant. Even though I am still lost without the sounds of life when I have my equipment off, I know no matter how I do with this second implant, it will be an improvement.

... I know that I find it very difficult to balance the mom, wife, teacher hats because of the extremely high expectations I set for myself, and that is before you add in the hurdle of a devastating hearing loss. I won't lie or sugarcoat. Before my implant life was frustrating and difficult in everywhere and in everything. I often felt tense and lonely. The implant has given me back so much. I feel social and even giddy sometimes when I'm with a small group of friends. I don't feel left out of the conversations, or physically exhausted from the lip-reading and overcompensating and let's face it... guess work. I would guess what someone was saying when I couldn't hear them before. So with those strides, it is hard not to have very high expectations going into this second activation.
So as I prepare for this exciting and hopeful time, I will do what I have learned to do in times of crisis, joy and peace. I will pray. I will read scripture and I will hope that the Lord knows the intimate balance of our human hope and faith. I put all of my trust in him just as my 18 mo. old daughter puts in me as she holds my hand and we walk down the steps. I am too fragile to do it alone. I am human. I know hurt and pain and love and peace. I don't want to walk in this life without my Father's hand to steady me. I pray the Lord knows the utter trust I place in Him.


a little song that plays in my head when I need to encourage myself to be strong (my own words and tune)

You give me everything I need,
everything I need...
And though I've fallen from your hands,
Lord I reach for you again... Because I'm Learnin' to BELIEVE